Trauma and Gender: Do Men and Women React Differently to Trauma?
By Melody Wright, LMFT
When looking at the effects of trauma on individuals, it’s important to recognize that things like gender, culture, and life experiences can influence the way we react to traumatic events. While we may not be able to change some of these attributes, such as the culture we were born into, we can learn and obtain a better understanding of how they influence our reactions to trauma so we can address those reactions accordingly.
What is Trauma
According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is “an emotional response to a terrible event” like an accident, an act of violence, or a natural disaster. People can experience both emotional and physical responses to these traumatic events in the long term.
How Does Gender Influence Trauma
Our cultures and communities tend to assign specific roles to genders; These gender roles can influence how we react to different circumstances and events, including traumatic ones. In cultures that stress traditional gender roles, where men are expected to display a stoic demeanor and women are expected to be the more vulnerable sex, traumatic responses can be heavily influenced by gender roles.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a disorder where a person has a difficult time processing and recovering from witnessing or experiencing a traumatic event. Studies have found that in cultures with traditional gender roles, there is a higher prevalence of women being diagnosed with PTSD. This can be attributed to women being able to feel more emotionally vulnerable in these cultures.
Gender can also impact if and when individuals will access support to process their traumatic experiences. If the expectation is for a male to remain “strong” and not be impacted by stress, they may not immediately seek support. This can affect the impact that the event can have on their mental and emotional health in the long run.
What Other Factors Influence Trauma
There are various factors that can influence how an individual reacts to trauma. Some of these factors include:
How intense the traumatic event was
Your family history and previous traumatic events
The presence of a support system, or lack of
Your current or ongoing stress levels
Alcohol or drug use
Coping Strategies
In the event that an individual experiences something traumatic, it is important to have the tools necessary to help process that event. This includes knowledge of coping strategies. Coping strategies to help process traumatic events include:
Practicing deep breathing, meditation, and mindfulness
Finding or developing a new hobby or activity that gets your endorphins flowing
Establishing and reaching out to your support system
Finding a support group where others may have experienced similar trauma
Traumatic events come in all shapes and sizes, and the information and coping strategies that may help one person may not be very helpful for another. If you find yourself needing support or additional coping strategies, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your mental health. Consider booking a consultation here today.
“I’m worried about getting older, but what can I do?” Coping With Anxiety About Aging
By Melody Wright, LMFT
As we begin to enter new ages and phases in our life, it can sometimes be difficult to accept that we are getting older. Whether it’s a fear of physically looking older, a concern about not being where you want to be in life, or feeling anxious about what the future holds, the concepts related to getting older sometimes have a negative connotation. If you’re feeling anxious or concerned about aging, below are some things to consider that may help you cope with your concerns and anxiety.
We’re All Getting Older
You are not the first person to age, and you will not be the last. Sometimes, getting older creates feelings of loneliness or feeling as though we haven’t achieved what we wanted to at this age. Normalizing that others around us are also getting older, and surrounding yourself with a solid support network of friends and loved ones can help reduce your feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. It’s also important to note that age does not dictate where we need to be in life, and that success can mean different things and look different ways to different people.
Age Does Not Have To Stop Us
Sometimes, the fear associated with getting older is related to feeling worried that we won’t be able to do the things we used to be able to do. Getting older does not automatically equate to a decline in your health, or an inability to try new things. If any of these thoughts concern you, consider the following – Are there any habits you can pick up today that can help create a healthier lifestyle for you? Picking up a new habit that positively impacts your health can help increase your optimism about your future. This is also a gentle reminder that getting older does not make you incapable of trying new things, or prevent you from thriving in a new environment.
Choosing To “Age Well”
As we age, there are things that will be outside of our control. While we cannot control some of the things related to the aging process, we CAN control how we choose to spend our time, who we choose to spend it with, and the activities we choose to spend our time on. One of the benefits of getting older is having the wisdom and agency to choose activities, people, and spaces that make you feel safe and create joy. Making the choice to spend your time doing things you love with people you care about can help you have a positive outlook on aging.
While we hope that the tips above helped address some of your anxieties around aging, we acknowledge that it may not be sufficient. This is especially true if you feel that your concerns regarding aging are interfering with your daily life. If you find yourself needing support or additional coping strategies, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your current concerns.
Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health Part 2: Recognizing Warning Signs
By Melody Wright, LMFT
In our first blog of our new blog series, Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health, we discussed general information regarding our youth, the challenges they face today, and reviewed resources and tips to help support your teen’s current or future mental health needs. In today’s blog, we will take a more in-depth look at the potential signs that a teen displays when they are struggling with their Mental Health. We will also include some of the signs or red flags that would require an immediate response from a parent or caregiver.
Warning Signs
A warning sign can be defined as a sign that indicates a condition requiring special attention. With that in mind, we have listed some behaviors below that your teen may display if they are experiencing challenges with their Mental Health:
Sadness that is persistent and lasts for 2 weeks or more
Wanting to avoid social events or interactions
Ongoing somatic symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, etc.)
Behavior that drastically changes within a short time frame
Changes in daily patterns (sleeping, eating, school performance, etc.)
Poor attendance in school
Participating in self-harming or destructive behaviors
Warning signs help us recognize when our teens are using behaviors to communicate that something is wrong, even if they are not verbally expressing that they are not okay. If your teen is displaying any of the behaviors listed above, we strongly recommend that you schedule an urgent visit with their Primary Care or Mental Health Provider.
Red Flags (Immediate Action Required)
While some of the warning signs above prompt you to book an urgent appointment with a counselor or Pediatrician, the signs we will be discussing below require your immediate attention and action. These are potential warning signs that a teen may display when they are contemplating suicide:
Making statements or writing about suicide
Completely withdrawing from social settings or contact with others
Giving away belongings to friends or family
Increased use of substances such as alcohol or drugs
Showing repeated signs that they feel trapped or hopeless about a certain situation or their life in general
We recognize that it is not an easy task to have a conversation about Mental Health or suicide with your teen. It can be just as difficult for a teen to start the conversation with their parent or caregiver when they are having challenges with their mental health. When in doubt, don’t wait for your child to come to you. Having an open and honest conversation with them, and asking about suicide specifically, can create the opportunity to connect your teen with a professional at the right time. For teens or any individual in crisis and considering suicide, immediate support can be provided by calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.
For ongoing support for your teen, a therapist can provide the consistent level of support they need for them to reach a better place in their mental health. To book a consultation and receive more information about our services, click here.
Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health
By Melody Wright, LMFT
At Life By Design Therapy, we understand the importance of supporting the Mental Health needs for all ages and at all stages of life. Recent trends indicate a need for us to address the Mental Health needs of our youth. Mental health-related illnesses and concerns are becoming increasingly common amongst teens in the United States and globally. It is important for teens, and parents of teens, to have the right information and resources to recognize when a teen may be going through a tough time. It is also important to discuss when it might be time to seek professional help.
Youth Mental Health and Teen Suicide Rates
According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), children being diagnosed with depression or anxiety has increased over time. For teens specifically, depression, substance use, and suicidality become more prevalent as they get older. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry states that suicide was the second leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year old’s in 2021. Some of the risk factors associated with suicidal thoughts and possible attempts include exposure to violence, bullying, access to firearms, and a family history of suicide attempts.
Challenges Our Teens Face Today
As a caregiver, it may be difficult to relate to the current challenges that our teens face today. That said, it is important to gain a better understanding of these challenges in order to adequately support them.
Some of the current challenges teens face are associated with the amount of access they have to technology and different social media platforms. These challenges can include the increased prevalence of materialism, peer pressure, exposure to body standards that impact their self-esteem, and incidents of cyberbullying. All of these challenges can impact the way that a teen perceives themselves compared to others, and create feelings of inadequacy should they feel like they “aren’t enough” or don’t “have enough.”
Additional challenges that teens face can be associated with their family dynamics, their community, the society at large, or the current political climate. Examples of this can include financial responsibilities at a young age, violence in schools, education inequality, a shifting economy, and feelings of uncertainty related to global events such as the Covid pandemic or political conflicts.
Ways to Support Your Teen
There are different ways to help support our teens depending on the challenge, or challenges, they are currently facing. As parents and caregivers, some of the ways we can support them include:
Monitor their social media use: Teens and their self-esteem can be greatly affected by what they are exposed to on social media. As their parent or caregiver, it’s important to help them discern between what posts are portraying real life, and what posts or images are capturing staged moments or unrealistic lifestyle standards. (Please note that there is a difference between monitoring and controlling social media use. As your teen grows and develops, it is important to establish a level of trust and independence in order to foster a positive relationship with them. A total control of their social media accounts may hinder their need for independence, and negatively impact your relationship with them.)
Create a time to connect: As a teen, it can be difficult to navigate all of the changes that come with adolescence (changes in hormones, increased peer pressure, navigating friendships, etc.). Making time to sit and talk with your teen can give them the space they need to share their current stressors. This also creates an opportunity for them to seek guidance from you, or simply talk about what is currently on their mind.
Encourage structure and healthy habits: Creating structure and healthy habits within the home can create a sense of stability for teens. Structure can include a daily routine, designated days for outdoor play or extracurricular activities, and creating a space and time to help them (and you) decompress after a long week. These activities and structure can help with both their physical and mental health.
Teen-Friendly Resources
There are many available resources that your teen can tap into should they express that they need additional support. Some of those resources include:
The Trevor Project, information and support for LGBTQ Youth: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Mindfulness for Teens: http://mindfulnessforteens.com/
Crisis Text Line : www.crisistextline.org/ or Text “START” to 741-741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
We understand that the needs of our youth are complex and may go beyond some of the topics discussed above. It is our hope to continue providing our readers with additional information and resources regarding teen Mental Health in this new monthly blog series. With that said, if you or someone you love is struggling with their Mental Health, we encourage you to talk to a therapist today. For more information on how to connect with one of our therapists, click here and consider scheduling a consultation.
What Are The Long-Term Effects of Stress on Our Body?
By Melody Wright, LMFT
“I’m feeling really stressed right now, but I can handle it for a while longer, right?” Well, maybe, but we’re not sure that is a great idea. While we all experience different levels of stress throughout our lifespan, constant exposure to stress can have long-term effects on our bodies. Some individuals may be able to tolerate high stress levels for extended periods of time, but ultimately these levels of stress will begin to take their toll. While we understand that reducing stress or getting rid of certain stressors may be easier said than done, you may want to consider reevaluating your current stress levels after learning more about the long-term impact.
The long-term effects of stress can affect different areas of our body, including our mind and emotions. Below are some of the signs and symptoms of high stress levels broken down by the areas of the body they usually affect:
Cognitive (Mind):
Racing mind/thoughts
Difficulty being still
Forgetting things or feeling disorganized
Avoiding responsibilities or procrastinating
Emotional:
Being/feeling irrational
Becoming frustrated or agitated easily
Lashing out at friends and loved ones
Feeling lonely or worthless
Physical:
Changes in appetite or eating habits
Compromised immune system that leads to getting ill more often
Constantly feeling tense (ie. muscle tension or clenched jaw)
Gastrointestinal issues (ie. irregular bowel movements or stomach pain)
Headaches or migraines
Lack of sleep
Developing chronic conditions such as heart disease or high blood pressure
If you find yourself currently experiencing some of the symptoms above, it’s not too late to address your stress levels and their subsequent effects. While not all effects are reversible, such as developing high blood pressure, addressing your stress at any age can improve your health and overall quality of life. You can start off small by adding some stress-relieving activities into your day, such as taking a 15 minute walk every evening before settling in to your bedtime routine. If you’ve noticed yourself feeling drained after seeing certain friends or family, you may want to consider seeing them less often or setting up boundaries around how often you interact with them.
As mentioned before, we acknowledge that it may not be easy to completely get rid of some stressors, but you can help mitigate their effects. If your job is a constant source of stress, but you are the sole-breadwinner within your household, it can feel like you have no other option but to continue with your current routine. If you find it difficult to think of ways to help address your stress, we encourage you to consider talking to a therapist that will help you look at different options to incorporate some stress-relieving activities into your routine. For more information, click here to help schedule a consultation.
Dealing With Depression: Common Triggers and How to Address Them
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Approximately 10% of Americans live with depression, and encountering situations that trigger their depression can be very common. Depression can often be triggered by a stressful or negative life event. Learning about common triggers can help individuals who experience depression avoid, or mitigate for, a depressive episode.
Below are 5 common depression triggers and skills to help address them:
Overwhelming/Stressful Tasks: Coming home to a messy apartment or being scheduled to work overtime for the 3rd day in a row can create high levels of stress and leave you feeling overwhelmed. Creating boundaries around what you can and cannot do can help address these types of stressful situations before they become a depressive episode. Saying “no” to additional overtime opportunities, or deciding to clean your apartment one room at a time are both examples of boundaries you can set with others and with yourself to begin tackling these stressful scenarios.
Lack of Sleep: Research shows that a lack of sleep can directly affect an individual’s depression. Having a consistent sleep schedule, including a set bedtime and wake time can help improve your chances at getting enough sleep. Implementing a consistent routine before bedtime can also help teach your body when it is time to go to bed. This can include a warm bath at the same time every evening, or turning on a lavender-scented diffuser before getting into bed.
Financial Hardship: Financial hardships, especially when unexpected, can create high levels of stress for any individual. A few skills to address finances include creating a monthly budget and reviewing it routinely, looking into community resources that provide payment assistance with certain household bills or necessities, and engaging in low-cost or free activities so that finances do not limit you from making plans with friends or loved ones.
Significant Life Events: Life changes that are unexpected and out of your control can leave you feeling lost or unsure of how to process these changes. In times like these, it is important to connect with friends or loved ones not only to receive love and support, but also to have a listening ear from individuals that you trust. A divorce, a loss of a loved one, or a change in careers require major life decisions. Surrounding yourself with individuals you trust can provide you with the best opportunity to make rational decisions in the midst of stressful times.
Drug/Alcohol Use: The use of alcohol or drugs can trigger or make depressive episodes worse. If you have a medical provider that you trust, we encourage you to schedule an appointment. Talking to a therapist or mental health professional can also be a great option to address alcohol or drug use.
Not all of the triggers listed above may apply to you, so we encourage you to learn more about your common triggers and possible skills to help address them. If you find yourself needing support with figuring out what your triggers are, or would like to learn more strategies to cope with them, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your triggers and depression. Book a phone consultation today for more information and let’s get you connected to additional support.
My Present is Being Affected by My Past: How to Cope When Current Events Bring Up Past Trauma
By Melody Wright, LMFT
As we do our morning scroll through our news and social media apps, there is a substantial amount of events that we are constantly being exposed to. Whether these events are on an international level, such as war or tension between nations, a national level, such as politically charged or party-driven bills that are controversial in nature, or at a local level, such as riots as a result of police brutality, all of these events can trigger negative feelings or reactions. This is especially true if your past involves a traumatic event that is similar in nature to that of current events.
While the media may be responsible for sharing and keeping us updated on current events, we have the responsibility to process the information that is delivered to us. Sometimes, this means that we need to process any negative feelings that may have been brought up in the course of receiving updates on current events. For an individual who has been targeted by law enforcement as a result of their race, watching a news segment on police brutality can be an extremely stressful experience that can trigger their past trauma. If you’re finding yourself struggling with current events triggering past trauma, below are some coping skills you can practice:
Practice Mindfulness: Using mindfulness practices when you are feeling a rise in your stress or anxiety levels can be a great way to interrupt your negative thoughts and bring you back to the present. Breathing techniques or guided imagery are great options that can be easily used no matter where you are.
Set News or Social Media Boundaries: If you’re finding yourself feeling overwhelmed after scrolling through news and social media apps every morning, you may want to set boundaries around how you are using your time. Reducing your social media usage, changing the time of day in which you scroll through apps, or removing certain apps can help you limit the impact that these apps have on your overall mood.
Attend a Workshop or Support Group: There is great value in finding a community of people who share similar concerns, backgrounds, or experiences to you and are dedicated to providing support. Participating in a workshop or Support Group that focuses on the reason for your past trauma or current experiences can help you learn of what others with similar backgrounds are doing to process their trauma.
Consider Professional Help: If you’ve implemented any of the strategies above, or other strategies you’ve learned in the past, and are still having a hard time coping with current events, it may be time to consider professional help.
Feeling constantly triggered by current events can leave us in a state of high stress and emotional fatigue. While we always encourage that you integrate self-care practices to help provide a sense of peace and balance, we acknowledge that it may not be enough. If you’ve considered talking to a therapist to help you process your current emotional state, now may be a good time to connect with someone at Life By Design. Click here for more information on scheduling a consultation.
Battling a Bad Break-Up? How To Begin Healing From Relationship Trauma
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Some relationships can negatively impact our self-esteem, our ability to trust others, and affect our overall well being. They can also leave us with the daunting task to “undo” or heal from trauma that was experienced during our time in that relationship. While healing from relationship trauma will not happen overnight, it is important for you to know that healing can happen with time and by having the right tools.
Whether you’ve recently left a long-term abusive or tumultuous relationship, or have ended a relationship over an unexpected traumatic event such as infidelity, relationship trauma can create feelings of rage or anger toward your ex-partner and even yourself. In order to process your feelings and move forward toward a healthier and wiser version of yourself, it is important to address the feelings you have associated with your previous relationship and partner.
Once you feel like you are ready to begin moving on from your last relationship, consider the following tips to kickstart your journey toward healing:
Build, or rebuild, your support system: Your last relationship may have created some distance between you and your friends or family. Having a support system of trusted individuals can help provide you with listening ears and shoulders to lean on in moments where you feel alone. Consider reaching out to your friends and family to let them know you would appreciate their support at this time. If you find it difficult to share details about your current situation with friends and family, look into support groups in your area that focus on healing from abusive or unhealthy relationships.
Create a new routine: Creating a new routine may help provide you with the fresh start you need to begin healing. We recommend that your new routine include ways to address both your physical and emotional needs. Ensuring you have time to prepare and eat well-balanced meals, get regular sleep, spend time outdoors, and implement self-care techniques are all great ways to begin nurturing your body and mind.
Establish boundaries: Talking about your previous relationship or seeing your ex-partner on social media may bring back negative feelings or trigger difficult emotions for you. Take some time to identify and establish boundaries that will help you process your feelings at your own pace and protect your peace. This can include unfollowing or blocking your ex-partner on your social networks, asking your friends or family not to bring up your past relationship, or not visiting certain parts of town to minimize the chances of running into your ex-partner.
Some break-ups are more difficult to process than others. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feelings you have associated with the break-up, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information.
Addressing Anxiety At-Home: Relieving Anxiety by Icing Your Vagus Nerve
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Did you know that approximately 18% of the American population experiences anxiety-related disorders, but only about 37% of the population will access treatment? Recent world events have also created higher levels of anxiety, and accessing treatment outside of the home may pose some challenges depending on your region’s Covid restrictions. Addressing anxiety-related symptoms can look differently depending on the individual. For those that may be experiencing barriers accessing resources for anxiety, there are tools that can be learned to help relieve anxiety from the comfort of your own home. Some of the tools involve techniques related to the physical body, such as icing your vagus nerve, as changes in the physical body can create changes in our mental and emotional wellbeing.
What is a Vagus nerve?
The vagus nerve is the main nerve of your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system controls body functions such as your heart rate, respiratory rate, digestion, and immune system. When activated, the vagus nerve will send a signal to the parasympathetic nervous system to relax. This will then slow down your heart and respiratory rates.
How do I “ice” my Vagus nerve?
There are many ways to activate your vagus nerve. You can “ice” your vagus nerve by holding a zip lock bag full of ice cubes on your face, or dipping your face in a bowl with cold water. You can also hold a bag of ice on your chest and lay down for 10 to 15 minutes. Another way to activate your vagus nerve without “icing” it is to practice slow deep breaths.
Why does icing my Vagus nerve relieve anxiety?
Anxiety will usually trigger the fight or flight response, which will increase our heart rate and speed up our breathing. According to experts, cold temperatures can activate your vagus nerve, which will send signals to your parasympathetic system to relax. These signals will help you slow your heart rate, and as a result your breathing, which counteracts the signals that your body sends to “fight or fly” when experiencing anxiety.
What else can I do at home to relieve my anxiety?
While icing your vagus nerve can be a great way to reduce your anxiety in the moment, we know this may not always be a practical option for our readers to tap into. If you don’t have a bag of ice readily available, or prefer to alternate between strategies, here are some other tools you can use to reduce your anxiety:
Shift your focus: Distracting your mind can be a great way to pull yourself out of anxious thoughts and get back to the present moment. You can do this by using the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Find and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Peel an orange: Certain scents, such as citrus and lavender, can have calming effects on the body. Peeling an orange can help introduce a calming scent to your current environment.
Practice Box Breathing: As mentioned before, deep breathing can help activate your vagus nerve. If you’re not familiar with any breathing exercise, try box breathing. To practice box breathing, you inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold your breath out for a count of 4. Repeat as necessary until you feel a sense of calm.
These tips and strategies may help temporarily ease anxiety for some of our readers, but they may not adequately address ongoing anxiety and its related symptoms. Engaging in therapeutic services with a mental health professional may be more appropriate for anyone facing challenges with their current coping mechanisms, or individuals that have been experiencing anxiety for a long period of time. If you find yourself needing new strategies to help you address your anxiety levels, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Our telehealth services can be a great resource for anyone experiencing barriers with accessing services outside of their home.
Brain Fog and Anxiety: Why Is It Hard For Me to Focus?
By Melody Wright, LMFT
As a result of the Covid pandemic, and its impact on our day-to-day lives, many of us have been experiencing increased levels of stress over the last couple of years. These heightened stress levels may have impacted or exacerbated areas of our lives related to our physical and mental health. For individuals that experience anxiety, high levels of stress can make anxiety levels worse. This increase in stress and overall levels of anxiety can affect our ability to focus, or create “brain fog.”
What is Brain Fog?
“Brain Fog” is a term used to describe a lack of mental clarity, the inability to focus, feeling confused, or simply feeling “scatter-brained.” Brain fog can make it difficult to complete tasks that you previously may not have had any issues completing. It can also present itself as forgetfulness, or being easily distracted. Other characteristics of brain fog can include feeling fatigued, or having a hard time organizing thoughts or activities.
Why does my brain feel foggy when I am anxious?
Anxiety taps into our mental capacity. If a person is experiencing an increase in anxious thoughts and taps into their mental resources at a higher rate than usual, this can have an impact on their overall thought process. A high impact on a person’s thought process is what can create feelings of brain fog. The stressors, anxiety levels, and mental resources can vary from person to person, and so can their resulting levels of brain fog.
How can I “clear out” my brain fog?
Since brain fog can be directly related to anxiety, it is important to address the “root cause” of the brain fog. Treatment for anxiety is not a “one size fits all” – different individuals have different needs and it’s important to explore options in order to see what works best for you. With that said, below are some options to help address the brain fog that comes as a result of anxious thoughts:
Incorporate mindfulness practices into your day. This can include taking a walk when you feel overwhelmed with work, or playing nature sounds on your phone when you’re doing an activity that is causing you stress.
Keep a notebook or planner handy in order to write down to-do items. This can help address the sense of forgetfulness that you may experience as a result of brain fog.
Whenever possible, reassess your current timelines or activities with time constraints and ask for extensions or accommodations. Whether it’s asking for an extension on a report, or requesting an accommodation for a longer test-taking period, making adjustments to activities that cause high levels of stress can help alleviate stress and reduce anxiety levels. These activities also require a higher level of focus, so an extended timeline can help give you that extra time you need to think.
Book an appointment with a therapist. If you’re having some trouble implementing strategies to help your anxiety and resulting brain fog, you can always tap into outside support. A therapist can help you implement coping mechanisms that may be a better fit for you and your day-to-day routine and responsibilities.
While the tips above may be helpful to some of our readers, we encourage you to tweak them and make them your own so they can best support you and your current lifestyle. If you find yourself needing additional support, but have not taken steps to find and see a therapist, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address anxiety and brain fog. Book a phone consultation today to get you connected to additional support.
I Feel Like My Body Autonomy is Under Attack: How to Cope with Political Threats Against Women’s Rights
by Melody Wright, LMFT
The recent threats against Roe vs. Wade have made many women feel as though their bodies, rights, and reproductive health are under attack. While this may not be the first time that women have felt personally affected by a potential impact on our current rights and access to reproductive health care, it feels increasingly difficult to cope with politically-driven threats after all that has occurred in this country over the last couple of years. Decisions related, but not limited to, the Covid pandemic, women’s rights, and immigrant’s rights have all been highly politicized, to the point where one can feel that decisions are being made for us solely based on a political agenda that may not align with our needs or opinions. This can leave many women feeling concerned and overwhelmed by the prospect of losing rights that are strongly advocated for.
Watching constant news updates regarding the political threats against women’s rights can leave you feeling powerless and concerned for the future. If you feel a calling to help advocate for women’s rights in order to cope with the current challenges posed by the political landscape, here are some ways you can do that:
Volunteer: Look up your local women’s right organization and contact them to see if they have any open volunteer opportunities. This can also be an opportunity to learn more about women’s rights, and help you feel like you are making a positive impact in your community.
Speak up: Whether you choose to post about causes that you support on your social media platforms, or write and send letters to your local government representative, using your voice can be a powerful tool to help amplify other women’s voices.
Participate in a march or protest: Whenever safe, participating in marches or protests can be a great way to stand up and march for what you believe in.
Donate: If you have the resources available, donating to women’s rights organizations is a great way to show your support. This can also be a better fit if you feel that you are not able to donate your time in the way of volunteer work or participation in protests.
Self-care, self-care, self-care: Advocacy and activism can be hard work. This holds especially true when you are personally invested in the reasons behind your advocacy. It is important that you prioritize caring for yourself and meeting your needs when doing this kind of work. Whether it’s limiting the amount of time you spend watching the news, or taking time off of work when you feel burnt out, make sure you are intentional about incorporating different self-care strategies and practices into your daily routine.
You may or may not be ready to participate in activism related to women’s rights, but you can be an advocate for your individual health and wellbeing. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the current political landscape and its impact on women’s rights, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. The therapists at Life By Design can help you create strategies to address your current intake of daily news, support any feelings of frustration you may currently be experiencing, or provide you with avenues to channel your views of current politics. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information.
Social Media Sadness: The Link Between Depression and Social Media
by Melody Wright, LMFT
Have you ever found yourself feeling particularly sad, frustrated, upset, or just overall drained after browsing through Instagram or Facebook? There’s a reason for that. Recent studies have shown a correlation between social media use and depression. While Social Media apps themselves may not be causing depression, the amount of media that we consume may leave us feeling more insecure, exhausted, and socially isolated due to a lack of direct social interaction with others. All of these factors can directly contribute to feelings of sadness and depression.
Spending an increased amount of time on Social Media apps can affect us in more ways than one. Depending on the accounts that you usually follow, seeing an influx of seemingly “perfect” individuals can affect how we perceive ourselves and our overall self-esteem. Constantly checking social media apps may also be creating disruptions in our day, which in turn creates an inability to focus on our tasks. This may lead to less free time to focus on things that bring us joy, such as connecting with others or spending quality time with loved ones. Increased screen time close to our bedtime may also create disruptions to our sleep, including less overall sleep time. Lack of sleep can at times be a contributing factor to depression.
Now that you know how social media may be impacting your overall health and ability to connect with others, what can you do about it? If you want to work on decreasing your social media use, or being more intentional about the accounts you follow, try some of the following tips:
Set aside a specific time of the day to check your apps. This will help you limit your overall social media consumption and still give you time to check-in on your apps. If you can choose a specific day of the week where you don’t check social media at all, even better!
Spend time on a screen-free hobby. Whether it’s 30 minutes or an hour, set aside time every week to “unplug” and practice a hobby.
Put your phone outside of your bedroom at night. Leaving your phone outside of your bedroom will minimize screen time use right before bed, helping you fall asleep faster and minimizing disruptions to your overall sleep.
Follow accounts or friends that add value. One of the positive things about social media is that you can choose who to follow and what content to see. If you find yourself feeling upset or overwhelmed by following certain accounts, try muting or unfollowing them altogether.
As best as possible, try not to share everything going on in your life. Limiting what you post may help you be more present during important moments in your life where you would usually spend time trying to capture the “perfect photo” to post,
Changing your social media habits and overall screen time can be really difficult, especially when you’ve made it part of your daily routine. If you’ve tried some of the strategies listed above and still find yourself taking in more screen time than you would like, you may benefit from some additional support. The therapists at Life By Design can help you create strategies to reduce your social media intake, and support any feelings of frustration or sadness that you may currently be experiencing. Schedule a phone consultation today for more information.
My Anxious Thoughts Can Be Overwhelming: How to Use Affirmations to Help Ease Anxious Thoughts
by Melody Wright, LMFT
Anxious thoughts or worries can be caused by stress and anxiety. You may have noticed that current world events, as well as the ongoing pandemic, may have impacted or increased the amount of anxious thoughts you’re experiencing. If you’re finding that your anxious thoughts are becoming overwhelming, using coping mechanisms such as affirmations can help you ease your anxious thoughts.
Affirmations can be described as positive statements that can help you challenge and address anxious, or worrying, thoughts. Affirmations are usually short statements that are meant to help you feel in control of your thoughts and emotions. When practiced enough, they can help us make positive changes and stop our anxious thoughts from escalating or becoming overwhelming. If you’re ready to create some affirmations for yourself, you can reference the tips below while you put them together:
Make your affirmations short, sweet, and to the point. This will help make your affirmations easy to remember and easy to use whenever you need them.
Make affirmations relevant to you and your desired actions. The things that make you anxious can be very different than what makes someone else worry. Tailoring your affirmations to address the things that make you anxious, or help you refocus, will help them be more effective for you.
Make affirmations meaningful. Affirmations are meant to create a positive mindframe for you, and help you move away from anxious thoughts. The more meaningful the affirmation, the better mindset you can achieve from reciting it.
If you’re having trouble coming up with some affirmations, here’s some sample ones to get you started:
“This is only a thought, and I can change this thought”
“I have been through this before, and trust I can get through this again”
“I will take a step back and breathe, and return to this feeling relaxed and calmer”
“I am enough and I am doing enough.”
“I am open to new opportunities”
“I am happy and grateful for my current health”
Notice that these affirmations can vary in purpose and address different types of thoughts. Affirmations can address negative thoughts directly (“This is only a thought, and I can change this thought”), or they can focus on specific feelings that may usually trigger worries or negative thoughts (“I am enough and I am doing enough.”) If you notice that specific feelings trigger your anxious thoughts, such as not feeling worthy or being concerned about not doing enough, you can create affirmations that help remind you that you are worthy and that you are doing your best, which is more than enough. As you create these affirmations, we encourage you to be gentle with yourself and remember to give yourself grace, and integrate that grace and care within your affirmations.
While we understand that not all of these affirmations may be applicable to you, we encourage you to find and create affirmations that feel right for you and your current situation. If you find yourself needing some support with creating affirmations, or you’re interested in learning more strategies to combat your anxious thoughts, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your worries and anxious thoughts. Book a phone consultation today for more information and get you connected to additional support.
Trouble in Paradise? How to Practice Better Communication Skills with Your Partner
by Melody Wright, LMFT
Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:
Create a time and space to connect and converse
It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime.
Listen to understand, not to respond
When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive.
Be fully present in the conversation
Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention.
Avoid judging or insulting your partner.
Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.”
We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship.
Winter Survival Tips: How to Prepare for Seasonal Affective Disorder
by Melody Wright, LMFT
In many places, the winter months bring gloomier weather and less daylight hours compared to the weather and sunlight we get during the spring and summer months. These seasonal changes can lead to a type of depression called “Seasonal Affective Disorder.” Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, usually presents itself during the Fall and continues into the Winter months. SAD symptoms include having low energy, experiencing problems with sleep, having changes in your appetite, and feeling depressed for most of the day almost every day.
If you’ve experienced Seasonal Affective Disorder in the past, or are currently experiencing SAD-related symptoms, here are some tips to help you prepare for this winter:
Plan some mood boosting activities.
Whether you want to start a new yoga class or are long overdue for a group outing with friends, planning some activities for the Winter season can help you get ahead of the SAD symptoms. Focus on activities that you are comfortable with and usually put you in a good mood -- this will help avoid stressors that come with planning something you have not done before or aren’t sure about doing.
Try aromatherapy.
Aromatherapy uses aromatic materials, like essential oils, to help improve your physical and emotional health. Scents like vanilla, jasmine, or sandalwood can help improve your mood and are available as an essential oil or candle. If you notice that certain scents help improve your mood, consider purchasing a diffuser or scented candle and setting it up in a space that you currently use to relax or unwind like a reading corner.
Consider using a light box.
Some people benefit from using a light therapy box that mimics outdoor light. The light has an effect on the brain chemicals that are linked to mood and sleep, which can have a positive impact on SAD symptoms.
Catch all the sunshine that you can.
While the winter months can limit the amount of sunshine that we usually get, making the most out of the hours when there is sunlight can help improve your mood and overall SAD symptoms. If you’re currently working from home, consider setting up your workspace near a window or right outside your balcony to catch some rays. Taking early morning walks can also help you get some sunlight as well as endorphins from the exercise. The increased sunlight and the endorphins should help improve your mood.
Take some time off.
If you’re able to take some time off of work during the winter due to the holidays, this could be a great opportunity to focus on your self-care. If it’s possible and within your budget, it may also be a great time to travel to a place that gets more sunshine or take this opportunity to visit family or friends. Whether you’re able to take time off to focus on your self-care or travel to visit loved ones, both activities are great opportunities to help you recharge.
Talk to a doctor or therapist.
Depending on the severity or consistency of your symptoms, it may be time to see your doctor or schedule an appointment with a therapist. A doctor or therapist is able to tailor solutions that are based on your individual health and lifestyle if you are experiencing severe Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms.
If you’ve experienced Seasonal Affective Disorder in the past, or have recently begun experiencing SAD-related symptoms, there are things you can do to help prepare for the upcoming winter season. Implementing mood boosting activities or routines can help enjoy your winter days to the fullest.
Therapy can be a great part of your routine care and we encourage that you prioritize speaking with a professional if you notice that you have felt unmotivated or hopeless for a long period of time. Life by Design Therapy offers therapy and excellent workshops facilitated by qualified professionals to help you get through challenging times. Book a phone consultation today for more information and to help get you connected to additional support.
Holiday Hostility? Strategies on Resolving Conflict with Your Partner This Holiday Season
by Melody Wright, LMFT
The holidays can bring up more arguments and friction than usual in our relationships. Traveling, visiting in-laws, and the pressure to spend money on extravagant gifts can increase our stress levels and decrease our patience. If you’re currently in the middle of conflict with your partner, or just want to prepare for potential disagreements, we hope the following strategies will help you and your partner have a harmonious holiday season.
Try not to point fingers. There’s only so much you can do when a flight gets delayed, and you’re forced to wait at the airport for more time than you anticipated. In stressful moments like these, it might be easy to shift blame and tell your partner that this is their fault (ie. “If we had booked an earlier flight like I suggested, this wouldn’t have happened”). Assigning blame won’t change your current predicament. In fact, it may even make it more stressful as you’ve now created a situation where your partner may feel hurt by your words. In situations like this, we encourage you to try and avoid pointing fingers. Instead, see if you can come together as a team to seek other potential options or making the most out of the additional time you have to spend airport (ie. Can you get some online shopping done while you wait at the terminal?).
Avoid criticizing your partner. We get it, you’re in the middle of a store full of impatient shoppers, and your partner has yet again forgotten their wallet at home. All you can think of saying is “how can you be so forgetful?!” We know it may take a lot of effort, but we encourage you to take a pause whenever you feel like stating a negative critique toward your partner. This is a stressful moment for you both, and your partner may have had a lot on their mind before leaving the house. Instead of criticizing, try to find a solution to fix the immediate problem, then take time to talk about this once you’ve cooled down and settled in at home. You may find that there is a simple fix to an ongoing problem once you’ve taken the time to talk to each other (ie. Putting a box next to the door to store your partner’s wallet may give them a visual reminder to grab it before leaving the house.)
Identify the problem and choose to face it together. Sometimes all you need is a shift in your mindset. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus your partner, consider changing the dynamic to you and your partner versus the problem. When you decide to work together to face a problem, you may realize that you no longer want to argue with your partner. Redirecting your focus may also help you come up with a solution quicker as your goal is now to fight the problem, not each other.
Create an exit strategy. Sometimes being with extended family can be physically and emotionally exhausting, especially after limiting physical interactions over the last few months. If you or your partner know that spending too much time with in-laws has created high levels of tension in the past, it’s better to plan ahead. This will help you provide you with some options and hopefully prevent you from taking out your stress on each other. Whether it’s choosing to stay at a hotel instead of your in-law’s house or having a code word when you are ready to head home, respecting each other’s choice to leave at a reasonable time may help you end your night on a more positive note.
We hope that these strategies have given you some tools to keep in your back pocket should you sense some conflict making its way into your relationship. For more information on how to handle relationship conflict, keep an eye out for our upcoming workshops.
How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Family Over the Holidays
by Melody Wright, LMFT
For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while.
Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you.
If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:
Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions.
Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness.
Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation.
State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having.
Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members.
Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.
It’s Okay Not to Be Okay; How to Overcome When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed
by Melody Wright, LMFT
2021 has presented us with many challenges at an individual, national, and global level. These challenges have created higher levels of stress in us and those around us. Many people have reported feeling high levels of stress due to being affected by Covid, being impacted by the racial and political tension within our country, and being exposed to higher rates of crime. These stressors may have also led to feelings of fear, frustration, anger, and overall feeling inundated by what is going on in the world around us. No matter what challenges or stressors you’ve faced this last year, we want to reassure you that it is okay not to be okay.
As you look back at the events that took place over this last year, it is important to notice how these events have impacted your physical, emotional, and mental health. When we give ourselves permission to acknowledge that we are not okay or that something does not feel right, we can start the journey of healing by identifying the parts in us that need some extra care and attention. You may also find comfort in knowing that there are many others at this moment that are feeling the same way you are. It may also help you to know that there are strategies to help you cope when you are feeling overstressed or overwhelmed.
At this point in time, you may be feeling like things are not going the way you hoped they would or that they are not getting better as fast as you’d hoped. That’s okay.
While it may not feel like things are going well for you right now, there are strategies you can implement today to help you feel a little less overwhelmed and more hopeful about current events:
Eat, sleep, repeat. This sounds easy in theory, but many people sacrifice sleep and regular meals when they feel stressed or overwhelmed. Ironically, not eating or sleeping well will contribute to higher stress levels or irritability. Getting enough sleep and eating well will help you with your focus and overall mood.
Pick-up or restart your old hobbies. It is important to make time for activities that create moments of fun and relaxation. If it’s been a while since your last nature hike, or you have been meaning to read a new book, adding just a few minutes to your day for a hobby can help give you some much needed me-time for things that make you happy.
Create a to-do list. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with tasks and work well with visual reminders, putting together a to-do list may help you organize your thoughts. You may find yourself feeling a bit more at ease once you can visualize all the things that need to be done. The physical act of getting the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper may also provide a sense of relief. Bonus points to you if you list items in order of priority so you can clearly identify what needs to get done first.
Tidy up. The last thing you want to do sometimes is add another item to your to-do list. With that said, cleaning can help give you a break from your overwhelming thoughts AND help you declutter your physical space. The decluttering of your physical space can help you feel mentally decluttered as well.
Whether you’re going through a difficult time in your life or are feeling emotionally exhausted due to this year’s events, know that you are among many who are experiencing and feeling the same things you are. You may not be okay right now, but you will be. Being able to feel okay again sometimes means tapping into your support system. Your support system can help give you an outside perspective or coping strategies based on your current life circumstances.
Remember that a therapist can be part of that much-needed support system. For more information, reach out to us on getting connected to a member of our team.
Also, if you’re needing some additional support we have an online Grief and Loss Workshop this December. Click here to learn more.
How To Cope with Feelings of Grief and Loss During The Covid-19 Pandemic
by Melody Wright, LMFT
Losing a loved one can have a strong impact on our lives and wellbeing, but not all losses look the same. Unfortunately, the pandemic has increased our likelihood of experiencing loss. It has also made many of us reevaluate our relationships with friends and loved ones. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a romantic relationship, or choosing to cut ties with a family member, loss can leave us experiencing feelings of grief that can affect our physical and emotional state.
What Is Grief?
“Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing. There is wonder in the power of grief.” – David Kessler
You may have heard that grief occurs in stages. While this may be true, it does not mean that the grief process is linear or follows a certain pattern. Everyone experiences grief differently, but having an understanding of your feelings and acknowledging how your body is processing a loss may help you recognize if or when you need outside support to help you heal.
The traditional stages of grief include the following emotions and actions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Every person who experiences loss will not experience these stages in the same way. They may go back and forth between stages, or skip stages altogether. No matter what your grief journey looks like, know that there are resources and tools that can help you cope with your grief.
What Can I Do To Address My Grief?
Experiencing a loss can be one of the hardest things a person will experience in their lifetime. While the emotions that come as a result of a loss can sometimes feel overwhelming, know that there are people and strategies that you can tap into when you feel like you need some extra support.
Below are some coping strategies to help support your grief process during the COVID-19 pandemic:
Give yourself time and grace. The grief process is exactly that, a process. It will take time to address how you feel and what life changes you want to make, if any, as a result of a loss. Take time to honor your feelings associated with your grief, validate them, and understand why they are there.
Take care of yourself. Whether this means taking some time off of work to process your feelings, or adding more outside time to your evenings, we encourage you to listen to your body and give it what it needs to feel better.
Connect with others. Talking to a friend or joining a support group can create opportunities to connect with others that may help you on your grief journey. Having conversations with friends and peers that have gone through a similar experience may give you an opportunity to gain an outside perspective or hear words of consolation when experiencing loss.
Talk to a therapist. If you feel as though your grief is becoming too much for you to process on your own, or you are simply wanting additional support during your grief journey, connecting with a therapist may be a good option for you. A therapist can help provide you with additional tools and strategies that are tailored to your current needs.
When Is It Time to Seek Outside Help?
Sometimes the feelings of grief can become too much for someone to process on their own. If you or a loved one is experiencing any of the following, it may be time to seek outside help:
Isolating or withdrawing yourself from others or your usual activities
Feeling difficulty focusing on anything that isn’t related to the recent loss
Feeling like you lack purpose or meaning in life
No matter what stage of grief you are experiencing, there are resources and people available to help support your journey to healing. Grief is a personal process, and it is important not to minimize your feelings.
If you’re looking for more ways to work through pandemic-related grief and loss, sign-up for our upcoming online workshop, Moving Through Grief: Processing Grief and Loss in a Multilayered Pandemic, to learn more tips and skills to best support your grief process.
Are You Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?
by Melody Wright, LMFT
Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage.
We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.
What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.
Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.
Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage
Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.
Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:
Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential
Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")
Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes
Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable
Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions
Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression
Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself
Why We Sabotage Our Relationships
Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.
Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:
I am not worthy of love.
I am not good enough.
Other people can't be trusted.
My partners always leave me.
Relationships never last.
Intimacy is dangerous
Vulnerability is weakness.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships
Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.
One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.
The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.
Interested in attachment?
Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style impacts your relationship!
