The Real Reason Self-Compassion Feels Uncomfortable
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Imagine you're cooking dinner and accidentally grab the handle of a hot pan.
You feel the burn and immediately pull your hand away. You run it under cool water, find something to treat it, and you're probably a little more careful the next time you reach for that pan.
When we experience physical pain, we instinctively know that whatever is injured needs care and attention. However, when we experience emotional pain, we don’t always respond the same way – with care and attention.
For example, instead of responding to ourselves with care, our minds often begin looking for everything we did wrong, like:
Replaying a mistake that was made for the rest of the day.
Questioning what we could have done differently when we think we let someone down.
Focusing on everything we didn't finish after an exhausting week
If this were a burn on your hand, you wouldn't keep touching the hot pan to teach yourself a lesson. Yet when the pain is emotional, many of us do something surprisingly similar by returning to it again and again through criticism, shame, and overthinking.
Now I understand, being kind to yourself sounds like it should come naturally. But if you’ve ever found yourself in this position, you know it can be anything but easy.
What if I told you that there might be a reason for that…and it’s not your fault.
For a lot of us, self-criticism developed as a way of coping, protecting ourselves, or making sense of difficult lived experiences. Understanding where these patterns come from can help us make sense of why self-compassion sometimes feels so difficult. From there, we can begin to notice what gets in the way, how those patterns continue to show up in our lives, and what it might look like to respond to ourselves differently.
How Childhood Experiences Shape Negative Self-Talk
Self-criticism rarely develops out of nowhere. More often, it's something we learn over time.
As children, we naturally adapt to the environments we're growing up in. Over time, those early ways of coping can shape how we respond to ourselves when things feel hard.
For example:
A child who is frequently corrected may begin looking for their own mistakes before someone else points them out, hoping to avoid being corrected again.
A child growing up in a home where emotions often shifted without warning may learn to watch tone of voice, facial expressions, and mood changes, hoping to stay one step ahead.
A child whose family is already overwhelmed may avoid asking for help because they don’t want to add another problem. As they grow older, asking for help may feel selfish, and struggling may feel like something they should be able to handle on their own.
These aren't personality flaws. They're adaptations.
As children, those adaptations often make sense. They help us stay connected, avoid conflict, or find a sense of safety in the world around us.
As we grow older, though, those same adaptations can quietly become the rules we live by:
Don’t make mistakes.
Don’t ask for too much.
Keep everyone happy.
Take care of it yourself.
Over time, those rules can become the voice we hear inside our own heads.
That critical voice may be painful, but it isn’t pointless.
It's often trying to protect you from something it learned to fear, whether that's criticism, conflict, rejection, disappointment, or feeling like your needs were too much.
Sometimes that voice isn't even fully your own. It may sound a lot like the parent, caregiver, teacher, or other influential adult whose words or expectations became internalized over time. As children, we naturally absorb the messages we're given, especially when they feel connected to love, approval, or safety. Eventually, those messages can become the way we speak to ourselves.
That's why replacing self-criticism with a positive affirmation rarely creates lasting change, even though we may want it to. Before that critical voice can soften, it helps to understand where it came from, what it's trying to protect you from, and whether the messages it's repeating still belong in your life today.
Why Letting Go of Self-Criticism Can Feel Risky
If self-criticism has been part of your life for a long time, it's understandable that the idea of letting it go might feel uncomfortable.
You may even wonder, "If I'm not hard on myself anymore, what will keep me accountable?"
For so many of us, that critical voice has become tangled up with responsibility, motivation, and doing the right thing. So when we hear the words self-compassion, we might worry it means excusing harmful behavior, avoiding responsibility, or pretending everything is okay.
That isn't what self-compassion means in a therapeutic context.
Self-compassion allows us to look honestly at what happened without turning the experience into an attack on who we are.
So, it sounds less like, "It doesn't matter that I hurt someone," and more like, "I don't feel good about what happened. I want to understand it, repair what I can, and respond differently next time."
When we respond with self-criticism, shame often follows close behind. Rather than seeing a mistake as something we did, we begin seeing it as evidence of who we are.
Shame sounds like: “I made a mistake because there’s something wrong with me.”
Self-compassion makes room for a different response: “I made a mistake. What happened? What needs repair? What support would help me respond differently next time?”
Even when we understand that difference, choosing compassion over criticism can still feel risky.
You may be wondering what happens if you stop relying on the patterns that have helped you feel in control or keep moving forward.
If being hard on yourself is what pushes you to do better, what happens if you respond with compassion instead?
If anxiety is what reminds you to check everything three times, what happens when you relax?If guilt is what keeps you available to everyone, what happens if you stop carrying it?
And if these are the questions you’re asking yourself right now, they make sense. When these patterns have helped you feel productive, responsible, or in control, letting go of them can feel uncomfortable…even when you know they’re no longer serving you.
After all, these patterns may have helped you get through difficult moments, meet expectations, or feel more in control. At the same time, they may make it harder to rest without guilt, trust yourself without second-guessing, or let go of a mistake after you’ve already done what you can to repair it.
The goal isn't to stop caring, but rather it's to understand that caring and self-punishment aren't the same thing.
Why Self-Compassion Sometimes Brings Up Grief
One surprising thing about practicing self-compassion is that it doesn't always bring immediate relief. Sometimes, it brings grief.
It might seem surprising at first, but here's why.
As you begin responding to yourself with more compassion instead of criticism, you may start looking at your past through a different lens. Experiences you've always dismissed, justified, or blamed yourself for can begin to feel different.
In therapy, there are moments when someone suddenly realizes how young they were when they became responsible for a parent's emotions. They recognize that being "easy" often meant keeping their own needs private. They begin to understand that what they always thought of as independence may have developed because depending on other people didn't feel reliable.
Those realizations can be incredibly validating. They can also bring a deep sense of grief.
You may find yourself trying to hold more than one truth at the same time. My parents loved me, and there were ways they weren’t able to show up for me. They were struggling and doing the best they could, and I still needed more than they were able to give.
Holding those truths together can be painful. It can mean grieving the childhood, relationship, or experiences you needed but didn’t have. That grief doesn’t require you to decide that your parents were bad people or that nothing good existed. It means making space for the reality that something important may have been missing for you.
For many of us, our earliest relationships are where we first learn what love, safety, comfort, and care feel like. When some of those needs weren’t met, we can carry that with us into adulthood, including in the way we relate to and care for ourselves.
And sometimes, healing means learning to hold both: They may have done the best they could, and I can still acknowledge that I needed more.
These are questions therapists hear often, but the goal isn't to decide whether your parents were "good" or "bad." It's to make space for the full picture.
A caregiver may have loved you deeply and still been unable to consistently meet your emotional needs. They may have been doing the best they could with their own history, health, or circumstances. At the same time, you may still carry the effects of what their best couldn't provide.
Both of those things can be true.
Understanding their experience doesn't require you to minimize your own.
Sometimes self-compassion simply means allowing yourself to acknowledge the impact of what happened without immediately explaining it away, dismissing it, or telling yourself it shouldn't have mattered.
Practicing Self-Compassion When It Doesn't Feel Natural
Being compassionate toward yourself can sound simple: offering yourself the same patience, understanding, and care you might naturally extend to someone you love. But for many people, actually relating to themselves this way can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.
Instead of feeling reassuring, self-compassion may bring up tension, irritation, numbness, embarrassment, or even resistance. And often, that discomfort has less to do with whether you’re “doing it right” and more to do with what you’ve learned about how you’re supposed to respond to yourself.
From a somatic perspective, those reactions aren't something to push past; they're something to pay attention to.
Your body is always responding to what it has learned over time.
So, if warmth and care felt inconsistent growing up, receiving them (even from yourself) can feel unfamiliar. If being emotionally vulnerable was met with criticism, dismissal, or rejection, turning toward your feelings may cause your body to brace before your mind even realizes what's happening.
You might find yourself saying, "It's okay to rest," while noticing tightness in your chest or an urge to get up and be productive.
Intellectually, you might know you’re safe, but your nervous system may still be responding to what it learned a long time ago.
But please know that doesn't mean you're failing at self-compassion. It simply means your body learned a way of protecting you that once made sense.
So rather than forcing yourself to relax or repeating a comforting statement until it feels true, you might begin with curiosity instead.
What happens when you slow down? Where do you notice the discomfort? Does your body feel safer keeping your eyes open? Moving around? Choosing words that feel less emotionally intense?
And honestly, sometimes the most compassionate response isn't pushing through the exercise. It's simply recognizing, "This doesn't feel supportive right now," and giving yourself permission to try a different approach.
Final Thoughts
If there's one thing I hope you take away from this, it's that self-compassion isn't about pretending things didn't happen or convincing yourself everything is okay.
It's about discovering that you can respond to yourself differently.
Over time, those small moments begin to give your mind and body a new experience. You can make a mistake without attacking yourself. You can disappoint someone without automatically assuming you've failed them. You can acknowledge your own needs without treating them as evidence that you're asking for too much.
Little by little, self-compassion becomes more believable. Not because you've found the perfect words, but because you're discovering that pain doesn't have to be followed by punishment.
If being kind to yourself still feels uncomfortable, that's okay. As we've explored throughout this blog, those patterns often developed for a reason. And just as they were learned, they can also be understood and, over time, gently reshaped.
If you'd like support as you begin that process, that's exactly the kind of work we do in therapy. At Life by Design Therapy, we offer holistic, trauma-informed, and somatic therapy to help people better understand these patterns and build new ways of relating to themselves. Whether you're looking for therapy in Berkeley or online therapy anywhere in California, we're here to support you. If you're ready to begin that journey, we'd love to connect.
This Week's Affirmations
I don’t have to force kindness; I can begin with honesty.
My needs are not an inconvenience.
I am allowed to rest before everything is finished.
Making a mistake does not mean there is something wrong with me.
I can listen to my inner critic without letting it control my choices.
Additional Resources
If you’re interested in exploring self-compassion, quieting your inner critic, and building a kinder relationship with yourself, the books below can be a helpful place to start.
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.
7 Hidden Signs of Unprocessed Trauma
By Melody Wright, LMFT
There’s a kind of exhaustion that doesn’t go away with more sleep.
A kind of tension that lives in your shoulders, your jaw, or your gut, without any clear reason.
Maybe you’ve tried deep breathing, journaling, even therapy, but something still feels stuck.
Unspoken.
Unresolved.
In my work as a somatic therapist, I’ve learned that trauma doesn’t always arrive with obvious signs.
Sometimes, it’s quiet.
It hides in habits we’ve normalized, like always being on edge, needing to stay busy, or finding it hard to feel anything, or finding it hard to trust others.
Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you; it’s also about what never got completed.
What your body had to hold when things felt too fast, too much, or not enough.
And when that process gets interrupted, the body stores the unfinished story, not necessarily in words, but in sensations, patterns, and protective responses.
What makes this tricky is that the signs of unprocessed trauma don’t always look like trauma.
They often get brushed off as personality quirks, burnout, anxiety, or being “too sensitive.”
But when we slow down and listen through a somatic lens, we start to understand: these symptoms are the body’s way of remembering.
Somatic or body-based work invites us to tune into the body’s cues, its sensations, movements, and patterns, as a pathway to healing.
In this post, we’ll explore the lesser-known ways trauma can show up and what your body might be trying to tell you.
What Is Unprocessed Trauma?
When people hear the word “trauma,” they often think of big, obvious events like car accidents, violence, and major losses.
But trauma isn’t defined by the event itself. It’s defined by how the experience impacted your nervous system.
“Trauma happens when something overwhelms your capacity to cope, and your body doesn’t get the chance to fully process or release it. ”
It could be a single moment.
It could be something that happened over time.
It could even be something that didn’t happen, like not feeling protected, comforted, or emotionally safe when you needed it most.
When trauma goes unprocessed, it doesn’t just fade away.
It gets stored in the body, in muscle tension, in breath patterns, in how quickly you go into fight, flight, or freeze.
You might not even remember the original event, but your nervous system remembers how it felt.
From a somatic perspective, unprocessed trauma is like a loop that was never completed.
The body mobilized for action or safety, but never got the signal that the threat was over. So it stays ready. It stays alert. Or it shuts down altogether.
And the symptoms of that?
They can show up in ways that may seem unrelated, like chronic fatigue, trouble concentrating, emotional numbness, and anxiety that doesn’t respond to logic.
That’s why so many people live with trauma symptoms for years without realizing what they’re actually experiencing.
“Understanding trauma through the body, not just the mind, helps us bring compassion and clarity to what might otherwise feel confusing or shameful. ”
It’s not about what’s wrong with you.
It’s about what your body did to keep you safe… and what it’s still doing now.
The Trauma Cycle: How Unprocessed Trauma Gets Stuck in the Body
One of the most helpful shifts I see in my work is when someone realizes that trauma isn’t just about the moment something painful happened.
It’s about what happened afterward, or more specifically, what didn’t get to happen.
Our bodies are wired to respond to a threat.
When something overwhelming occurs, the nervous system kicks into gear: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
This is your body trying to protect you, and it’s incredibly intelligent.
But what many people don’t realize is that those responses are meant to be temporary.
They’re actually supposed to resolve.
You move through the threat, return to safety, and the body completes the cycle.
But trauma interrupts that.
If your body didn’t get the chance to run, fight, cry, be held, or feel safe again, and the response was interrupted, that survival energy can stay stuck in your system.
Which means the loop never closed, so your body keeps bracing for something that already happened.
So, in short, the trauma cycle is:
🔄 A threat or overwhelming experience
🔄 Activation in the nervous system (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)
🔄 No resolution or return to safety
🔄 Residual survival energy stays trapped in the body
🔄 Symptoms develop over time…physical, emotional, or relational
This is why trauma can live on for years, even when your life looks “fine” on the outside. You may not remember the event clearly, or even recognize it as trauma, but your body still responds as if it’s happening now.
Somatic therapy works by helping you gently complete that cycle.
Not by re-living the trauma, but by giving your body new experiences of safety, movement, and connection, ones that were missing before.
When that happens, something shifts. The body starts to release what it’s been holding. And you begin to feel more present, more grounded, and more you again.
Why Trauma Symptoms Often Go Unnoticed
One of the hardest parts about unprocessed trauma is how easily it hides in plain sight.
Because trauma isn’t always tied to one big moment, many people don’t realize they’ve experienced it.
Especially when the trauma was chronic, subtle, or relational.
For example, growing up in a home where you had to stay small to stay safe, or constantly being the one who held everything together.
When those patterns start early or go on for a long time, they start to feel normal.
Maybe you’ve become really good at adapting, and you learn to be hyper-aware of others’ moods.
Or maybe you keep yourself busy so you don’t have to feel what’s underneath, you shut down in conflict, or feel like rest is only okay if you’ve earned it.
Now you may be thinking, none of this screams “trauma” on the surface.
“In fact, it often gets praised…being responsible, independent, always composed. But underneath, your nervous system might still be running on survival mode.”
That’s why trauma symptoms are so often misread.
What’s really a protective response might look like burnout, anxiety, disconnection, or even a personality trait.
And because these patterns become familiar, you might not question them.
You might just think, This is how I’ve always been.
When we view these patterns through a somatic lens, we begin to understand that many of them aren’t who we are, but rather, they’re strategies the body developed to help us survive.
And once we recognize that, we can begin to meet those parts with more curiosity, compassion, and support.
7 Hidden Symptoms of Unprocessed Trauma
I’ve noticed something again and again…trauma doesn’t always show up the way people expect it to.
Sometimes it’s not panic or flashbacks.
Sometimes it’s a constant tiredness you can’t explain, or the way your shoulders never quite relax.
It’s the pressure to keep going, the discomfort with stillness, or the feeling that you have to stay on alert… even when things seem fine.
These patterns often go unnoticed because they blend into everyday life. They feel familiar.
In sessions, when I slow down with a client and we start to listen to what the body is actually saying, a different story begins to emerge.
Below are some of the more hidden ways I see unprocessed trauma show up:
1️⃣ Chronic tension or pain: This one is so common it often flies under the radar. Maybe it’s your jaw, shoulders, stomach, or chest, but it’s always there. Sometimes, people don’t even realize how much tension they’re carrying until they feel what it’s like to soften. The body doesn’t hold that tightly without a reason…it’s protecting something.
2️⃣ Fatigue that doesn’t go away: This is more than being sleepy. It’s a deep exhaustion, the kind that seeps into your bones. I often see this when someone’s system has been in survival mode for a long time, especially when in freeze mode. The body is conserving energy, but it’s not truly resting.
3️⃣ Restlessness or the inability to slow down: Have you ever felt like the moment you stop moving, it’s almost like your body doesn’t know what to do with that stillness? You may feel agitated, anxious, or even guilty when you try to rest. That’s your nervous system's way of keeping you busy as a form of protection.
4️⃣ Emotional numbness or disconnection: Sometimes, instead of feeling too much, you may feel nothing. It’s like there’s a fog between you and your own emotions. Numbness can be a survival response. The body shuts down to protect you, but it doesn’t always know when it’s okay to come back online.
5️⃣ Difficulty trusting others or asking for help: I see this a lot in high-functioning, deeply capable people. Hyper-independence can look like strength, but often it’s a response to learning that others weren’t reliable, or that vulnerability wasn’t safe. The body learns to go it alone, even when it doesn’t want to. Many times, this is from growing up with emotionally unavailable caregivers. If you would like to learn more about this, check out my blog, Why Emotional Neglect Can Lead to People Pleasing Behaviors.
6️⃣Overreacting, or underreacting, to stress: This can go both ways. Maybe small things send you into a spiral, or maybe you shut down completely. Both are signs that your nervous system may be stuck in a trauma response, even when the current situation doesn’t seem threatening.
7️⃣ Overthinking and mental exhaustion: When your world hasn’t felt safe, your mind can step in to scan for danger. Overanalyzing, perfectionism, and reading between the lines are all ways the body tries to predict or prevent harm. You’re not overthinking for no reason. It’s protection.
“None of these symptoms exists in isolation, and they’re not random. They’re adaptive. They were your body’s way of helping you survive something that felt too much at the time.”
But I want you to know that when we start to understand these symptoms as messages, not flaws, we can begin responding with support, not shame.
How Somatic Therapy Helps Break the Trauma Cycle
When someone asks me what somatic therapy actually does, I often say this: it helps your body finish what it never got to complete.
So much of trauma healing isn’t about talking through what happened, especially if the story is blurry, complex, or you never felt safe to tell someone.
Somatic work meets you somewhere else: in the sensations, impulses, and protective responses that live in the body long after the event has passed.
Because trauma is stored in the nervous system, not just in memory, it doesn’t always respond to logic or insight.
You can know you’re safe now, but still feel tense, guarded, or shut down.
You might want to relax, but your body might not know how.
This is where somatic therapy becomes such a powerful tool.
It doesn’t push you to relive anything.
Instead, it helps you build awareness and relationship with your body’s cues so you can start to recognize when you're bracing, when you're disconnecting, or when you're ready to soften.
In sessions, we might work with:
🌻 Gentle movement to help release stored tension
🌻 Breathwork to support regulation (without overwhelm)
🌻 Grounding practices to help you come back to the present moment
🌻 Tracking sensations as a way to listen more closely to your body’s messages
🌻 Titration and pacing, which means going slow enough for your system to stay safe and engaged
Over time, this kind of work helps the trauma cycle complete in a new way—one that doesn’t retraumatize, but restores.
The goal isn’t to get rid of anything. It’s to help your body realize that it no longer has to keep carrying the past as if it’s still happening.
That’s where capacity grows.
That’s where safety becomes more than just a concept; it becomes a felt experience. And when that happens, the nervous system starts to recalibrate, little by little. The things that once felt impossible, like rest, connection, and ease, start to feel just a bit more reachable.
If you would like to learn more about how Somatic Therapy can be supportive, check out my blog, Choosing the Right Therapy: Why Holistic & Somatic Methods Work Best.
And if you’re feeling ready for deeper support, I know a few people who would love to walk alongside you. At Life By Design Therapy™, we’re known for our compassionate, premier care that blends holistic and somatic approaches to healing. Reach out when you’re ready!
Final Thoughts
If any part of this resonated, I want to gently remind you, your symptoms make sense.
They’re not random, and they’re not signs that something is wrong with you.
They’re signs that your body has been working hard to protect you, even long after the threat has passed.
Unprocessed trauma can weave itself into the way you move through the world without you even realizing it.
But once you start to understand how your nervous system responds to what it’s lived through, everything starts to feel a little less confusing.
A little less heavy.
There’s a way forward, and it doesn’t require you to force or fix anything about yourself.
Healing doesn’t mean going back to who you were before. It means building a new relationship with your body, your story, and your capacity to feel safe again.
You don’t need a perfect plan to start. You just need a bit of support, a little space to slow down, and the reminder that your body already knows the way home.
If you’re curious about somatic therapy or feel ready to explore this work together, we’d love to support you.
This Weeks Affirmations
I trust that my body holds wisdom.
Rest isn’t weakness, it’s repair.
I’m allowed to go at the pace that feels right for my nervous system.
I can listen to what my body is saying with curiosity.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means creating new experiences that remind me I’m safe now.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about trauma, check out these books below:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity" by Nadine Burke Harris
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing By Oprah Winfrey
When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté M.D.
What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.
Decoding Responses – Personality or Products of Trauma?
By Melody Wright, LMFT
The moment we experience something traumatic, whether an event or endure prolonged exposure to stress, our brains begin to program themselves to survive. We develop ways to respond to keep us safe. Whether we’re considering our minds, bodies, and emotions we naturally develop ways to protect ourselves. These are called trauma responses.
Interestingly, we can become so used to feeling the need to protect ourselves that our trauma responses become what some consider their personalities. Have you ever considered yourself a people pleaser? Or maybe you feel the need to take control of every situation you’re in. These can oftentimes be thought of as “just who you are”, however, these could also be trauma responses. Just as Bessel van der Kolk wrote, “Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” Trauma is like a puzzle, and knowing how you respond is like finding the first piece. It’s not about labeling yourself, it’s about becoming aware and learning how to cope and find healing and resilience. In this blog, we will explore four common trauma responses and how to navigate them.
Fight: Confronting the Storm
The fight response looks a lot like it sounds. When confronted with perceived danger, some of us instinctively activate the fight response. This response is a response of self-preservation. It can manifest as a surge of adrenaline, a sharpening of focus, and an intense readiness.
If you have a predominant fight response you might find yourself prone to confrontations, whether verbal or physical. You may become assertive, defensive, or even hostile when faced with challenges. While this response can be adaptive in certain situations, it can also lead to relationship difficulties and a heightened state of stress. However, this response can reveal itself in other ways like publicly outing a cheating partner or spreading a rumor about a coworker who upset you.
Flight: Seeking Safety in Escape
Have you ever found yourself attempting to deny emotions that might come up in you? Or maybe you retreat to somewhere you find safe if you are confronted with an uncomfortable situation. This is the flight response. Just like fight, flight is a survival mechanism, used to protect oneself from perceived harm. Suppose the flight response is prominent for you. In that case, you might find that you immerse yourself in your studies to keep yourself occupied, proactively creating an escape plan whenever you enter a new place, or maybe drowning out arguments with music.
For those who feel they are perfectionist, you might find flight is your go-to trauma response because there is an underlying desire to prevent people from criticizing you. You avoid confrontation. This can also make relationships challenging. Those who experience flight, tend to end relationships that might feel threatening to them. For example, you break up with them before they can break up with you.
Freeze: The Paralysis of Overwhelm
When thinking about the freeze response, think about the scene from The Notebook where Noah asks Allie “What do you want” and she responds “It’s not that simple!”. Allie is having a hard time expressing her needs and is feeling indecisive. Many people who experience the freeze response tend to have issues with expressing their needs and making decisions. This is because your brain presses the pause button but continues to remain alert. For those who experience the freeze response, you might find that you physically detach from the world by sleeping or not leaving your home. Some people even mentally check out by utilizing disassociation.
Fawn: The Dance of People-Pleasing
Do you ever find yourself consistently feeling the need to “keep the peace”? If you answered “yes”, more than likely your trauma response is to fawn. Those who experience this response might find themselves doing whatever they can to keep others around them happy to avoid friction. You might find that boundaries around your own needs are very difficult to hold or communicate about. This can include doing whatever your partner tells you even if you don’t want to, or doing whatever you can to keep your manager happy to avoid confrontation.
Navigating Your Trauma Response
Becoming aware of your trauma response is a pivotal step toward healing and growth. After reading through the different responses, maybe you found yourself identifying with more than one. This is normal. Your trauma responses can change over time and vary between different people involved or situations that arise. Here are a few steps you can take to navigate your trauma response and begin to heal.
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your typical responses in challenging situations. Do you tend to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn? You might find it helpful to keep a journal of the different situations you come up against and how you respond.
Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness and grounding techniques to stay present and connected to your body. Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help regulate your nervous system and reduce the intensity of trauma responses.
Seek Therapeutic Support: Seeking therapy can provide a safe space to explore and understand your trauma response. A therapist can offer guidance, support, and tools to help you navigate the impact of past experiences on your present behavior.
Cultivate Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Replace unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthier alternatives. This might include practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and developing effective communication skills.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing the way you respond to stress is a powerful way to start your self-growth journey. Once you engage with awareness you are then able to take proactive steps to foster resilience and cultivate a healthier, more balanced life. Whether you tend to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn, embracing your unique response with compassion and a commitment to growth is the key to transforming the impact of trauma on your present and future self.
Life By Design Therapy has therapists with trauma-informed lenses to support your journey through healing. If you’re ready to begin that journey CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation with a therapist today.
Affirmations for Trauma
I release the hold that trauma has on me, and I embrace the power of my own resilience.
I trust in my ability to cope with difficult emotions, and I allow myself the space to feel and heal.
I let go of shame and guilt; they have no place in my journey toward healing.
I am reclaiming control over my life, and I choose to focus on the positive possibilities ahead.
I am resilient, and my strength grows with each challenge I overcome.
Additional Resources
When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté M.D.
What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity" by Nadine Burke Harris
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing By Oprah Winfrey
The Invisible Impact: How Trauma Affects Your Physical Wellbeing
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Trauma is a multifaceted experience that extends far beyond emotional pain. It possesses the unique ability to not only infiltrate the mind but also the very fabric of our physical well-being. The connection between trauma and physical health is a subject that calls for exploration because when you can understand this link it can pave the way for deep healing.
The Invisible Impact
The mind-body connection is made up of biological, psychological, and social factors. Whether your trauma comes from childhood adversity, a distressing event, or prolonged exposure it can have a significant impact on your physical body. When you experience trauma, your body will respond with a heightened state of alertness which can trigger stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline within the body. Initial responses to experiencing something traumatic could be exhaustion, anxiety, confusion, and even disassociation. Of course, these responses are essential for survival, however, chronic or extending amounts of exposure can wreak havoc on your body. We have two places that take hits when exposed to stress, our hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis or HPA, and the autonomic nervous system. The regulation of these systems is known as the “allostatic load”(McFarlane, 2010). This means if you experience prolonged heightened cortisol levels, they can become toxic to your body which can lead to a contagion of different health issues.
There are links between those who have experienced trauma and those who have disorders of the HPA which can manifest as things like fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and irritable bowel syndrome. However, no person is the same, and just because you’ve experienced something traumatic does it mean that it will manifest long-term in the body.
Healing After Trauma
Awareness of what is occurring within your body and how it might be linked to the trauma you’ve experienced can support the steps you need to take on your healing journey. However, healing from trauma can be intimidating. Here are a few things you can do to begin your journey.
Connect with a Therapist - There are many different therapeutic interventions that you can access through seeing a professional. Engaging in therapies like Somatic Therapy or EDMR can support creating a safe space to revisit, reframe, and release the trauma you’ve been carrying.
Try Mindfulness Practices: When engaging in mindfulness, you begin to train your mind to become aware of your mind, body, and spirit. These practices can be journaling, meditation, and yoga. Mindfulness can offer moments of respite, fostering awareness of the present, and promoting relaxation which can support reducing cortisol levels within the body.
Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care is essential when you’re recovering and healing and it can look different for everyone. When you provide compassion and kindness for yourself you are engaging in self-care. This could be resisting affirmations over yourself, allowing yourself to rest and read a good book, or even having coffee with a close friend.
Nourish Your Mind and Body: Supporting your body with physical activity and nutrient-dense food encourages your immune system to heal and function at its fullest potential as well as increase levels of the “feel good” hormones - dopamine, and serotonin. When you are healing from trauma, having a supported immune system will benefit your overall healing in the long run.
Final Thoughts
Trauma and the impact it has on you is based on the severity and the perception of the event/events that occur. Your journey toward healing should be paved with patience and compassion because everyone’s story looks different, which means that the way you heal is completely unique to you.
If you find that you are dealing with physical manifestations of your trauma, or physical symptoms in general, we recommend connecting with a Somatic, Holistic, and Trauma-Informed therapist to guide you through the steps and support you in navigating the depths of your experience. In the unraveling of this mind-body connection, you will find threads of resilience, which leads to strength and renewal.
Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have a team who specialize in Somatic and Holistic Therapies. If you are ready to find the resilience within, connect with us today by scheduling a phone consultation.
Affirmations for Trauma
As I release the weight of past traumas, my body responds with strength and vitality.
My body is resilient, and I am gradually releasing the tension and pain stored within it.
I acknowledge the impact of trauma on my physical body, and I am committed to fostering a compassionate connection between my mind and body.
I am actively working towards healing, and with each passing day, my body becomes a safer and more comfortable place to reside.
I choose to nurture my body with practices that promote healing and restoration.
ADDITIONAL Resources
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D
The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity" by Nadine Burke Harris
What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing By Oprah Winfrey
When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté M.D.
What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo
Is This Anxiety or Trauma? Anxious Behaviors vs. Trauma Responses
By Melody Wright, LMFT
When talking about mental health with others, you might notice that some of the signs and symptoms of Anxiety and Trauma may sound very familiar despite stemming from different events or diagnoses. For individuals wanting to learn more about their own mental health, or experiencing symptoms that may be related to anxiety or trauma, it can be very helpful to understand where their current symptoms stem from. This can help us seek and identify resources that will help us address our symptoms, as well as learn new ways to regulate ourselves when we feel overwhelmed or on edge.
What is Trauma?
The American Psychological Association defines trauma as an “emotional response to a terrible event” such as abuse, community violence, or experiencing significant injury or loss. The symptoms we exhibit after experiencing trauma are directly related to events that happened in our past that did not make us feel safe or put us directly in the middle of unsafe situations. Some of the symptoms that people exhibit after experiencing trauma can include fatigue, feeling sad, and hopeless, experiencing mood swings, and withdrawing from others. Some symptoms can be more severe and can have long-term impacts on an individual, including experiencing consistent flashbacks to a traumatic event, developing panic attacks, sleep problems, or anxiety (also known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder).
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety can be described as consistent and intense worrying over everyday situations, usually situations that have not yet happened yet. Anxiety sends a message to our brain that we need to do more to prepare for a possible, or upcoming, future event. Some of the physical symptoms that someone can experience when feeling anxious include a fast heart rate, sweating, and rapid breathing. While the causes of anxiety can vary, many people experience anxiety as a result of going through traumatic childhoods or events.
What Do Anxious Behaviors Look Like?
While anxious behaviors can serve a purpose when they function as part of our body’s defense mechanisms (fight, flight, freeze, etc.), they can create an issue when they occur consistently and at the wrong times. Anxious behaviors can include the following:
Ongoing feelings of nervousness, restlessness, or feeling “on-edge”
Feeling irritable
Experiencing headaches, stomach pains, or other unexplained pains
Difficulty concentrating or falling/staying asleep
What Do Trauma Responses Look Like?
Traumatic responses are your body’s reaction to trauma. They can include the following:
Inability to focus or make decisions
The need to feel guarded or alert at all times
Flashbacks or constant thoughts of a previous traumatic event
Being easily startled in settings or situations that do not require you to be on high alert
As you can see from the descriptions and symptoms above, traumatic responses and anxious behaviors can feel similar in the body. The difference between a trauma response and an anxious behavior is where the symptoms are stemming from. Are the symptoms stemming from past events that your body identified as traumatic? Or are they stemming from concerns about future events or events that have not yet taken place (anxiety)? It is also important to know that trauma and anxiety may be connected for some individuals; One can develop anxious behaviors after experiencing traumatic events.
What Can I Do?
Whether you experience anxious behaviors or trauma responses, it can feel overwhelming to see the impact they can create in our bodies. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way; 1 in 5 people experience anxiety in their lifetime, and 50-60% of people experience at least 1 traumatic event in their lives. Steps toward healing the body can be taken by learning how to regulate ourselves when we start to feel nervous, anxious, fearful, or on edge.
If you find yourself needing support to learn new skills to help you regulate, help address past trauma, or you’re interested in learning more strategies to combat your anxious thoughts, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Life by Design offers therapeutic services with qualified professionals that can give you the tools you need to help address your traumatic responses and anxious behaviors. Book a phone consultation here today for more information and to get you connected to additional support.