How to Use Affirmations to Build Self-Worth
By Melody Wright, LMFT
I often see people come into sessions feeling defeated by their own inner dialogue.
They’ve tried to shift it by trying positive affirmations, but the words don’t seem to land.
If you’ve ever said an affirmation like, “I am enough,” only to feel discomfort, disbelief, or even shame in response, there are so many people who feel the same way.
However, I want you to know that you’re not doing it wrong.
The response you feel can be deeply informative.
It tells you something about your nervous system and how it’s been shaped by past experiences.
“Your self-worth isn’t just a mindset. It’s a lived experience in the body”
When your nervous system has learned to be hypervigilant, shut down, or stuck in survival mode, it’s not concerned with worthiness. It’s focused on protection. This means that trying to think your way into self-worth with affirmations can feel jarring, even threatening, if your body doesn’t yet feel safe.
As a somatic therapist, I’ve learned that healing isn’t just about thinking differently; it’s about feeling safer and more connected in your body.
Affirmations are just one piece, but when paired with nervous system awareness and gentle regulation, they can help us start to rewire those deeply held beliefs.
Are Affirmations a Form of Shadow Work?
In many ways, yes.
Shadow work is about meeting the parts of ourselves we’ve exiled, whether out of shame, fear, or protection.
Affirmations often reveal those shadows.
When you say, “I am worthy,” and a voice inside says, “That’s not true,” you’ve just found a part of yourself that still needs healing.
That discomfort isn’t a sign to stop.
The process of practicing affirmations can reveal the parts of us that still hold doubt or pain.
They bring up the wounded parts, the protectors, the stories we’ve internalized.
In this way, they can surface the unconscious, just like shadow work does.
The key is to stay curious and compassionate toward whatever arises in response.
When you bump up against a block, it’s not a dead end. It’s your nervous system’s way of saying, “There’s something here that still needs care.”
What Are Common Blocks to Practicing Affirmations?
A block might show up as a tight chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or an inner voice that scoffs.
It might be rooted in early relationships where love had to be earned, or times when hope was followed by hurt.
Whatever form it takes, a block is usually your body’s attempt to protect you from perceived threat, even if that threat is something as simple as believing you're enough.
If affirmations bring up discomfort, that’s okay.
That discomfort is a messenger.
Take a moment to slow down and ask, “Which part of me doesn’t believe this yet? What does it need?”
Some other common things you might experience are:
🌻 Feeling fake or silly
🌻 Shame or grief surfacing
🌻 A sense of misalignment because the affirmations don’t match your lived experience
🌻 Fear around believing good things might lead to disappointment
But...how do you start this journey? You’ll find out by the end of this blog! 😉
4 Ways to Make Affirmations More Effective and Meaningful
Affirmations don’t work just because we repeat them over and over; they work when our body feels grounded enough to receive them.
When your nervous system feels overwhelmed or shut down, even the most well-meaning affirmation can bounce off.
But when you feel steady, calm, and connected, there’s more space for those words to take root.
Here’s what helps:
1️⃣ Regulation comes first: Start affirmations when you feel relatively calm. Or use regulating tools (breath, grounding, gentle movement) to create that calm as you speak them.
2️⃣ Keep them believable: An affirmation like "I’m learning how to feel safe in my body" may land better than "I love everything about myself."
3️⃣ Use the body as a bridge: Place a hand on your heart or belly, soften your jaw, or sway gently. This signals to your system that it’s okay to receive new input.
4️⃣ Say them in a place that feels safe: Repetition matters, but so does the context. Try affirmations in places that feel warm and supportive.
Once your body feels supported and safe enough to take in the words, the next step is allowing those affirmations to move from something you say… to something you start to believe.
How To Start Believing Your Affirmations
You try to affirm something good about yourself… but there’s that part of you that pulls back.
It’s hard when the words feel so far from your truth.
That space in between, between saying it and actually believing it, is where the real work begins.
Making that shift from saying the words to truly feeling them takes:
🌻 Nervous system safety
🌻 Time and repetition
🌻 Curiosity about what’s in the way
“We’re not trying to overwrite your history; we’re creating space for new stories to emerge.”
Think of affirmations as seeds.
If the soil is still frozen by fear or trauma, nothing can grow.
But if we warm the soil with regulation and care, those seeds (even tiny ones like “I’m not broken”) can begin to take root.
How Can You Start Your Affirmation Journey?
Your affirmation practice doesn’t have to be loud or polished.
In fact, the gentlest openings are often the most transformative.
If the idea of affirmations feels overwhelming, start by noticing your internal response.
What arises in your body when you say something kind to yourself? Is there tightening, resistance, or a feeling of emptiness?
These are all clues that your nervous system is communicating with you.
The goal isn’t to push past the discomfort but to stay with it just long enough to offer warmth.
Small, compassionate truths are powerful. Try starting with:
“It’s okay to go slow.”
“I’m learning to listen to myself.”
“I’m open to the idea that I might be worthy.”
“I’m doing the best I can with what I know.”
And if some days the words feel unfamiliar or a little out of reach, that’s okay. Letting them feel awkward, clunky, or new is still a beautiful place to begin.
Final Thoughts
Affirmations are not about ignoring pain or pretending to be okay.
They’re about creating new possibilities through repetition, regulation, and relationship.
As a somatic therapist, I’ve seen how powerful this work can be when we bring the body along for the journey.
You deserve to feel safe.
You deserve to feel worthy.
Let’s give your nervous system the conditions it needs to believe that.❤️
This Weeks Affirmations
I am learning to feel safe in my body.
Safety is a feeling I’m growing into.
I can hold space for who I am and who I’m becoming
I can move at the pace my body needs.
I don’t have to earn my worth; I already have it.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about ways to build your self-worth, check out these books below:
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff
Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.
6 Ways to Return to the Present When Your Mind Won’t Stay Put
By Melody Wright, LMFT
When it’s hard to focus, it’s easy to blame things like too much screen time, not enough willpower, or falling behind on another productivity hack.
But struggling to focus usually isn’t about a lack of discipline; it could be your body or mind trying to tell you something.
Sometimes we push past those signals without even realizing it.
We distract ourselves because sitting with what we’re really feeling can be uncomfortable.
Distraction isn’t a bad habit; it can actually be a way our system protects us from feeling overwhelmed.
You might notice your attention slipping when there’s something underneath the surface that hasn’t had space to be felt. And the more we ignore that, the harder it is to stay present.
But when we pause and notice what’s really going on inside, it becomes easier to come back to the present moment.
Regaining focus is possible, you just need to learn how to build awareness around your patterns. And that starts with paying attention to what’s happening within.
Instead of jumping straight into strategies, it’s worth taking a moment to look at what’s actually pulling your focus away in the first place.
Understanding the Root of Distraction
Distraction May Be a Symptom of Unseen Stress and Disregulation
Distraction is frequently misunderstood as laziness or a lack of motivation.
It’s easy to overlook or misunderstand, but sometimes what looks like distraction or shutdown is really the nervous system’s way of saying, “This feels like too much.”
Sometimes the overwhelm is obvious, like when you're under pressure or juggling too many demands.
Other times, it can be the subtle emotions that linger, an unresolved tension in the background, or the result of pushing through for too long without rest.
Before jumping into another productivity hack or forcing yourself to push through, try asking:
✔️Has my body had time to rest lately?
✔️ Is something I’m avoiding trying to surface?
✔️ What emotions or sensations have I been brushing past?
These aren’t questions to answer quickly, they’re invitations to slow down and get curious about what’s happening beneath the surface.
We Often Override the Signals Meant to Guide Us
Many of us have learned to push through discomfort.
We override the tightness in our chest, the racing thoughts, or the fatigue behind our eyes.
We reach for caffeine, open another tab, or power through our to-do list, believing that more effort will bring clarity.
But what if:
That stomach ache may be anxiety.
That foggy head could be stress, grief, or unmet needs.
That impulse to scroll might be your system asking for a pause… not more pressure.
Overriding these signals creates a loop: the more we ignore, the louder the body speaks, often through distraction, discomfort, or shutdown.
Reconnection begins with permission:
✔️Permission to slow down
✔️Permission to feel what’s there
✔️Permission to respond instead of override
Once we begin listening to these signals with curiosity instead of judgment, we can start using supportive tools that help us stay grounded and present.
6 Coping Skills That Support Focus Through the Body and Nervous System
So, what can you do to actually refocus when your mind is scattered and your body’s feeling off?
Here are a few body-based strategies to try:
1. Let Your Body Give You Feedback
When focus fades, returning to your body can help you understand why. The body has a way of picking up on things before the mind does.
You might notice your shoulders are tight, your jaw is clenched, or your breath is shallow.
These signals matter.
Somatic Tip: The next time you feel your attention starts to shift, try:
✔️ Pause and place a hand on your chest or belly
✔️ Ask, “What am I feeling physically right now?
✔️ Notice without needing to change anything
Even a brief pause to check in can interrupt the cycle of distraction and create space to refocus with more intention.
2. Use Grounding Practices to Come Back to the Moment
Being present doesn’t always come naturally, especially in overstimulating or emotionally charged environments.
Grounding practices can give your body and brain the cues they need to settle into the moment.
Somatic Tip: If your mind keeps drifting or your body feels tense, try these grounding tools to bring yourself back to the present moment.
✔️ Feel your feet: Press them into the floor. Shift your weight side to side.
✔️ Orient visually: Look around the room. Name five things you see.
✔️ Breathe rhythmically: Inhale for four counts, exhale for six. Repeat gently.
These aren't tools for forcing yourself to concentrate, they’re ways to support your body so it can come back to the task at hand more easily.
3. Help Your Nervous System Feel Safe
The ability to focus depends on whether your nervous system feels safe, not just in your environment, but inside your body.
When there’s a sense of internal threat or unrest, focus often gives way to survival-based responses like hypervigilance, avoidance, or shutdown.
This internal threat can simply be uncomfortable emotions being avoided, or stress from having too much on your plate.
You might notice this when:
✔️ You feel scattered, no matter how much you care about the task
✔️ You start something and instantly want to do something else
✔️ Your body is buzzing with energy, but you're too drained to focus
Somatic Tip: When your nervous system is feeling overwhelmed, try small, soothing movements that communicate safety to your body:
✔️ Swaying slowly side to side or rocking forward and back
✔️ Using gentle pressure on your arms and legs, or wrap yourself in a blanket
✔️ Stepping outside for fresh air and a reset
Small physical shifts like these can help your system settle, and focus often returns when there’s a sense of safety.
4. Work With Your Natural Rhythms
Strict routines can backfire when you're already running on low capacity.
Instead of holding yourself to rigid expectations, try working within your natural rhythms, your energy cycles, emotional waves, and the signals your body sends throughout the day.
Somatic Tip: Notice when your energy naturally rises and dips throughout the day. Then experiment with flexible structures that work with your body, not against it:
✔️ Focus sprints: Work for 25–45 minutes, then take a break
✔️ Anchor points: Use small rituals like making your favorite cup of tea, stretching, or soft lighting to begin or end focus periods
✔️ Energy mapping: Track when you feel most alert or calm during the day and schedule tasks accordingly
This approach treats focus as something to support, not something to control. It makes room for rest and presence to exist side by side, so you can recharge without completely checking out.
5. Gently Bring Your Attention Back When It Wanders
Distraction is part of being human.
The goal isn’t to eliminate it, but rather to become aware that it’s happening and give yourself compassion when it does.
When your mind wanders, try responding with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
Somatic Tip: When you catch your mind wandering, take a breath and gently guide it back, without judgment. Try saying to yourself:
✔️ “It’s okay. Let’s come back to this.”
✔️ “I can start again from right here.”
✔️ “Distraction is normal. I’m still showing up.”
Focus becomes more sustainable when it feels safe to return, again and again.
6. Use Your Senses to Support Focus
Sensory input can help the body orient and settle.
Consider creating small sensory rituals that signal to your system, “This is a time for focus.”
Somatic Tip: Choose one or two sensory rituals to help signal to your body that it’s time to settle in:
✔️ Scent: Use essential oils like rosemary, citrus, or cedarwood
✔️ Sound: Play instrumental or ambient nature sounds
✔️ Touch: Keep a smooth stone, soft fabric, or grounding object nearby
✔️ Taste: Sip something warm and calming before you begin
These simple cues offer familiarity and comfort, which can reduce resistance and help your body ease into focus.
Final Thoughts
Focus isn’t just a mental task, it’s a full-body experience.
It’s shaped by how we listen to ourselves, how we respond to our needs, and how we treat the parts of us asking to be noticed.
When distraction shows up, it’s not always a sign to push harder. Sometimes it’s a quiet signal from within, asking for a moment of care.
The invitation isn’t to force more effort. It’s to pause. To feel. To respond instead of override. And to return, to yourself over and over again.
This Weeks Affirmations
It’s safe for me to slow down and listen to what I need.
Focus grows when I feel safe, supported, and seen by myself.
I honor what’s present, even when it’s uncomfortable.
I can meet myself with patience, even when my mind wanders.
I don’t have to push through—I can pause and respond.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about ways to support focus, presence, and nervous system awareness, check out these books below:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D
Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation by Deb Dana
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté
Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention—And How to Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.
11 Warning Signs That Your Personal Ambitions Are Putting Strain on Your Relationship
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Do you ever wonder if your personal ambitions are coming at a cost to your relationship? Balancing individual goals with the needs of a partnership can be challenging, and sometimes, the scales tip too far in one direction. Understanding the signs that your personal goals might be negatively affecting your relationship can help you find a healthier balance and ensure that both your aspirations and your relationship thrives.
Here are 11 signs to watch for:
1. Increased Tension and Arguments
Are you noticing more frequent arguments with your partner? When personal goals start taking precedence over your relationship, tension can escalate. This tension can stem from underlying resentment if your partner feels undervalued or sidelined by your ambitions. Disagreements over time management, priorities, and support can become common, leading to a strained relationship and feelings of disconnect.
2. Decreased Quality Time
Spending less time together is a significant sign. If you're too focused on achieving your personal goals, the quality time you spend with your partner might decrease. You may start feeling more like roommates than partners, with separate lives that rarely intersect meaningfully. This can lead to feelings of neglect and isolation, causing a rift in your bond and connection.
3. Lack of Communication
Communication breakdown is another red flag. When personal goals dominate your thoughts, you may find it challenging to communicate effectively with your partner. For instance, imagine you're focused on advancing in your career and have less time to discuss household responsibilities with your partner. This lack of communication could lead to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts, such as disagreements over who is responsible for certain tasks or feeling disconnected from each other's daily lives. Clear and open communication is crucial to maintaining harmony and understanding in any relationship.
4. Emotional Distance
Feeling emotionally distant from your partner? This can often happens when personal ambitions overshadow relationship needs. As you focus more on your personal goals, emotional distance can grow. You may find yourselves drifting apart, with less emotional intimacy and connection. Emotional distance can create a sense of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and unappreciation, weakening the emotional bond between you and your partner.
5. Imbalance in Priorities
Are your priorities shifting? If personal goals consistently come before your relationship, it indicates an imbalance. This imbalance can cause frustration and resentment, making your partner feel undervalued and unimportant.
6. Neglecting Relationship Responsibilities
Ignoring or postponing relationship responsibilities can be a clear sign. When personal goals take center stage, you might neglect duties and commitments within the relationship. This neglect can lead to a buildup of unresolved issues and dissatisfaction.
7. Increased Stress and Anxiety
Do you feel more stressed and anxious? Striving to achieve personal goals while maintaining a relationship can be overwhelming. This increased stress can affect both your mental health and the health of your relationship, diminishing the quality of your interactions and making it harder to be present or maintain a positive, supportive connection. For instance, deadlines at work combined with the pressure to spend quality time with your partner can create a cycle of stress that impacts your ability to relax and enjoy each other's company. Finding effective ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care is crucial to preserving both your well-being and the harmony of your relationship.
8. Diminished Intimacy
Is your intimate life suffering? A decline in physical and emotional intimacy often occurs when personal goals consume your time and energy. This can lead to feelings of rejection and frustration, further straining the relationship. For example, if you're constantly working late to meet career objectives, you might unintentionally neglect quality time with your partner, causing them to feel disconnected and unappreciated. It's crucial to balance personal ambitions with nurturing intimacy to sustain a healthy relationship.
9. Partner's Feelings of Insecurity
Does your partner seem insecure? When personal goals overshadow relationship needs, your partner may start feeling insecure and unsure of their place in your life. This insecurity can lead to trust issues and emotional turmoil. For example, if you frequently prioritize your personal goals over spending time with your partner or reassuring them of your commitment, they may begin to doubt your feelings or the stability of the relationship.
To address this, it's important to regularly reaffirm your love and commitment to your partner. Schedule dedicated time for them amidst your busy schedule, and openly discuss how you can support each other's goals while nurturing the relationship. Building trust through consistent communication and thoughtful gestures can help alleviate feelings of insecurity and strengthen your bond.
If you’re interested in more tips and strategies, check out our blog, Balancing Personal Goals & Relationships: Pursuing Dreams While Nurturing Your Relationship.
10. Lack of Support
Are you providing enough support? Balancing personal goals and a relationship requires mutual support. If your partner feels unsupported, it can lead to resentment and conflict. A one-sided relationship, where only one partner's needs are met, is unsustainable and can lead to dissatisfaction and eventual breakdown. Ensure that you offer the necessary support to maintain a healthy relationship.
11. Unresolved Conflicts
Are conflicts going unresolved? Personal goals can cause you to avoid addressing relationship issues. Unresolved conflicts can accumulate, leading to a toxic environment and potential relationship breakdown.
If you’re enjoying this blog post, check out our blog, "What Should I Do If My Partner Doesn't Support My Personal Goals?" for further insights and strategies on navigating this common relationship challenge. Discover practical advice and tips to foster understanding and mutual support in your relationship journey.
final Thoughts
Balancing personal goals with relationship needs is crucial for maintaining a healthy, supportive partnership. If you recognize these signs in your relationship, it's important to take a step back and reassess your priorities. Open communication, mutual support, and a willingness to compromise can help you find a balance that allows both your personal ambitions and your relationship to flourish.
This Weeks Affirmations
I am committed to cultivating a supportive environment where both my goals and my relationship thrive.
Awareness of potential challenges helps me navigate them with empathy and resilience, fostering a harmonious partnership.
I prioritize open communication and mutual understanding to nurture both my goals and my relationship.
Balancing personal aspirations with my partner's needs strengthens our bond and fosters mutual growth.
I respect and value my partner’s feelings as I pursue my dreams.
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in learning more about setting personal goals and relationships, check out the books below!
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.
The Journey Within: 10 Ways to Conquer Self-Doubt
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Do you ever find yourself wrestling with doubts about your abilities, worth, or place in the world? If you answered “yes”, we want you to know that you're not alone. Self-doubt is a common experience that can plague even the most confident people. It has the ability to cast shadows of uncertainty on our thoughts and actions. Yet, you have the potential for profound transformation—a journey from self-doubt to self-love.
In this blog post, we'll explore some actionable steps to replace self-doubt with confidence and self-love. Whether you're grappling with fleeting moments of insecurity or facing persistent doubts that overshadow your life, this blog will support the path toward greater self-compassion, resilience, and inner peace.
From Doubt To Empowerment
This journey from having negative thoughts or self-doubt to embracing an empowered mindset is something that requires commitment to self-awareness, self-compassion, and mindful actions geared toward cultivating a positive self-image. It’s not about erasing all doubts overnight but rather about developing inner resilience and self-acceptance to navigate through them with grace when they arise. Here are some essential steps to guide you through this transformation process.
Acknowledge Your Self-Doubt: The first step in transforming self-doubt is to become aware of it and acknowledge it. This self-awareness will support you in recognizing when self-doubt comes through and how it manifests in your thoughts and behaviors.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a close friend. Hold a non-judgmental space and allow self-compassion to come through. This allows you to be gentle with yourself when facing difficult situations or perceived failures. Instead of harsh self-criticism, offer yourself words of encouragement and support.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Pay attention to your inner dialogue and challenge negative self-talk. When you notice yourself doubting your abilities or worth, counter those thoughts with positive affirmations and realistic perspectives. Remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and past successes. You can say things such as, “It’s ok, I can handle it better next time”, or “I can”.
Set Realistic Goals: Break down your goals into smaller, achievable steps. Setting realistic goals helps prevent feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy. Celebrate each milestone you reach, no matter how small, because every step contributes to your growth and progress.
Stop the Comparison: Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on your personal growth and development. Remember that everyone is at a different stage in life, everyone was raised differently, carries different perspectives, and has different obstacles in their life. Embrace your journey of continuous improvement, knowing that progress takes time and effort. Cultivate a growth mindset that views challenges as opportunities for learning and self-discovery.
Practice Gratitude: Keep gratitude at the forefront of your mind by acknowledging the positive aspects of your life. Reflect on the things you appreciate about yourself and your experiences. Gratitude helps shift your perspective from what you lack to what you already have, which will help foster self-love and contentment.
Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This could include exercise, healthy eating, relaxation techniques, hobbies, spending time with loved ones, or seeking professional support when needed. Taking care of yourself demonstrates self-love and reinforces your worthiness of care and attention. This step will also help you discover things that make YOU happy rather than following the outside influences telling you what will make you happy.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or mentors who uplift and encourage you. Seek out positive influences that affirm your worth and capabilities. Having this strong support system can boost your confidence and help you navigate through moments of doubt.
Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Cultivate mindfulness through practices such as meditation, deep breathing, or mindfulness exercises. Mindfulness helps you observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment, allowing you to develop greater self-awareness and acceptance. Over time, mindfulness can reduce the intensity of self-doubt and foster a greater sense of inner peace and acceptance.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If self-doubt significantly impacts your daily life or mental health, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can help you get to the root of where your negative self-talk might come from and provide you with tools and strategies to address the underlying issues, build self-esteem, and cultivate self-love in a safe and supportive environment. You might find that narrative therapy, holistic therapy, and somatic therapy can be especially supportive for boosting self-esteem.
Final Thoughts
We want you to remember that transforming self-doubt and negative self-talk into self-love is a gradual process that requires patience, persistence, and self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself as you walk out this journey of self-discovery and growth. If you find that you are interested in therapy to support this journey, consider meeting with one of our skilled clinicians here at Life By Design Therapy. Our therapists specialize in Holistic and Somatic Therapy and they are ready to customize your care within a secure environment. Click HERE to schedule a free consultation today.
Affirmations for Self-Doubt
"I am capable of overcoming any challenges that come my way."
"I trust in my ability to make sound decisions."
"I am deserving of success and happiness."
"I recognize my strengths and value my unique qualities."
"I choose to believe in myself, even when faced with uncertainty."
Additional Resources
**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on growing your confidence, check out these books below:
"Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff
"Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach
“The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer
"Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" by Daniel Goleman
"Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert
"The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.
Empower Your Inner Self: 10 Steps to Elevate Your Self-Esteem
by Melody Wright, LMFT
In a world with social media highlight reels and what seem to be perfectly curated personas, it’s not always easy to feel the freedom to be yourself. Living in the age of influencers and filtered realities, we can find our authentic selves becoming lost in the noise. Yet, authenticity is where your true power lies, it’s the source of genuine self-esteem and confidence. The rise of low self-esteem is a significant and widespread issue, but why? How can we learn to live authentically? In this blog, we'll look at how being authentic can boost your self-worth and discover 10 mindful steps you can take to become more confident and comfortable with who you are.
Why is Low Self-Esteem So Profound?
Social Media and Comparison Culture: The presence of social media platforms can lead to a comparison mindset. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem when you believe you don't measure up to the images and experiences you see online.
Societal Pressure: Society tend to place immense pressure on us to conform to certain standards of beauty, success, and achievement. These unrealistic expectations can make us feel that we are never "good enough," no matter what we do.
Bullying and Cyberbullying: Bullying, whether in person or online, can have a devastating impact on your self-esteem and mental health. The constant fear of being ridiculed or belittled can erode one's self-worth.
Economic Insecurity: Economic instability and uncertainty can create anxiety and self-doubt. That can include financial difficulties, unemployment, etc which can lead to a sense of failure and diminished self-esteem.
Isolation and Loneliness: Despite the connectedness facilitated by technology, many people can experience deep feelings of loneliness and isolation. These emotions can contribute to poor mental health because it may cause feeling of being unwanted or unimportant.
Pressure to Achieve and Perform: There's often a relentless drive to achieve and perform at the highest levels in various aspects of life, from academics and career to personal relationships. This intense pressure can lead to a fear of failure, which can take a toll on your mental health.
Mental Health Issues: Mental health problems like anxiety, depression, and eating disorders can profoundly impact self-esteem. The negative thought patterns associated with these conditions can reinforce feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.
Childhood Experiences: Early experiences, particularly in childhood, can shape your self-esteem. Negative or traumatic experiences during the early years can leave lasting scars on one's self-worth.
Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Cultivate Authenticity
Low self-esteem can cast a shadow over every aspect of our lives, which can hold us back from reaching our full potential and experiencing the fulfillment we deserve. But the good news is that self-esteem is not immovable; it's a quality that can be nurtured and strengthened over time. However, remember that these tools are not overnight solutions, but rather tools to help cultivate a deep and lasting sense of self-worth.
Get to Know YOU: We spend most of our time being told what we should like, how we should look, what we should buy, and what we should accomplish to be successful. However, we usually don’t take the time to get to know ourselves. Ask yourself “what do I want” and “what do I like”, then enjoy the journey free of judgement.
Increase Self Awareness: The more you begin to learn about who you are, the more you’ll want to become aware of your thoughts, patterns, and feelings. Mindful journaling and meditation can support you as you check in with yourself.
Use Positive Affirmations: As you become aware of your thoughts, patterns, and feelings, you can challenge the negative thoughts with affirming ones. As you utilize affirmations, you can rewire your thinking to move into a place of self-love, self-empowerment, and self-compassion which will boost your self-esteem.
Develop Healthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining boundaries is a vital aspect of self-care. It ensures the protection of your mental and emotional well-being. Learning to say "no" when necessary and prioritize your own needs, without guilt, can support with self-empowerment and honoring your own thoughts and feelings.
Set Realistic Goals: Setting achievable goals, whether small or large, is essential for improving self-esteem. These goals serve as stepping stones to success, boosting your confidence as you accomplish them. Be sure to celebrate your achievements, no matter how modest they may seem.
Limit Self-Comparison: Try limiting your time on social media. The time you do spend there, remind yourself that many people you see only share the highlights of their life. They are a human just like you.
Create a Self-Love Journal: Consider creating a journal space to write down things you like about yourself. You can use this as a place to dump your thoughts and feelings, write affirmations and cultivate gratitude for yourself and your life.
Attune to your Body: Pay attention to your body and its needs. Engage in regular physical activity, eat nourishing foods, and get enough rest. When you feel well physically, it supports your mental and emotional health leading to a positive self-image.
Consider Creative Expression: As you learn about who you’re authentic self is, consider expressing yourself creatively. Trying new hobbies allow you to expand your mind. The act of creation can also create a sense of accomplishment.
Build A Network: Having those around you who see your true self can support in building you up, which can boost your moral. Considering therapy for self-growth and working through traumas can also cultivate a sense self-compassion and encouragement.
Final Thoughts
Boosting your self-esteem is a journey that unfolds over time. Remember, it’s not about perfection; it's about self-acceptance and growth. As you to explore these approaches, be kind to yourself, and know that your journey is unique. With patience and dedication, you can build a healthier and more confident relationship with yourself, unlocking the potential for a more fulfilling and authentic life. If building a support network is one of the tools you decide to try, consider reaching out to one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy. If you’re in California and interested in our holistic and somatic therapy services, click below to schedule your free phone consultation today.
Additional Resources
”Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff
”The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt" by Russ Harris
”Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones” by James Clear
”A Renaissance of Our Own: A Memoir & Manifesto on Reimagining” by Rachel E. Cargle
Diamond in the Rough: How to Reveal the Hidden Gems in Saying “No”
by Ashley Gregory, LMFT
Saying “No” Can Be Illuminating
A few years ago, a friend of my partner and I asked about staying at our place during a road trip up the California Coast. She and a friend of hers were going to be passing by the Bay Area on a weeknight. While we were thrilled to hear from her, my partner and I both had to work that week and had no chance to take time off. We considered our needs and her request carefully. We absolutely wanted to reminisce about our college days and laugh until our faces hurt. We also knew that having our friend and her companion stay over would lead to staying up too late and feeling drained the next day. Ultimately, after a thoughtful assessment of what we had going on in our life, we decided we weren’t going to be able to host a sleepover.
We relayed this boundary to our friend, letting her know we would love to have her over on a weekend. Our friend took this boundary personally, suggesting that we had made this decision for other reasons. Sadly, she also declined to talk things through with my partner, who had been friends with her for much longer. We felt surprised and disheartened by her response. We wanted to authentically offer our space, time and attention when we were able to give it freely rather than allow resentment and dishonesty to damage our relationship by saying “yes.” While it was an uncomfortable experience, we also came to grips with the lack of trust in the friendship.
Ideally, we would have liked to connect empathetically with our friend, listening to how she experienced the boundary we set as well as being offered the opportunity to share where we were coming from at the time. This experience exposed the relationship cracks and fissures that were already there. While we’re still open to mending the rift between us, we also accept that we may never get that chance.
Heteropatriarchy and the “Caregiver” Role
So much of the time, many of us believe we have to offer care or resources to someone who is asking, sometimes simply because they are asking. We feel pressured to acquiesce to requests even though there is a very vocal part of us who knows we don’t have the energy or capacity. In particular, people socialized as women or feminine have been told that their success in caregiving roles equates to their worth as a person. When the expectations of this role conflicts with one’s personal needs, the resulting shame and guilt can be debilitating. This identity as “caregiver” comes with unspoken expectations and extends into all areas of life--work, friendships, family dynamics. These expectations may look like:
doing tasks outside of your job description that others are fully capable of doing themselves,
being available by phone all of the time,
assumption that you are always emotionally available, or
coordinating all of the family gathering
Heteropatriarchy rests on the gender binary system--an insistence that there are only two options for humans: man and woman. Furthermore, “man” must assert his power over “woman” in all arenas of society (family, work, government, etc.), lest a complete breakdown of the world as we know it occurs. Powerful men can’t be caring or show emotion because that would be weak. Heteropatriarchal gender norms dictate that being a “good woman” means self-sacrifice and being a “good man” means dehumanization. This setup is just that: a setup for human beings to feel unhappy, unfulfilled and isolated. Being honest with yourself about what you want and how you feel honors your true self and is a courageous holistic practice.
Saying “No” Can Be a Gift
Saying “no” can be an opportunity for your coworker, friend or loved one to seek out more support in places they didn’t previously know existed. They may learn a new skill they didn’t know before because you (or someone else) had been doing it for them.
Saying “no” can free up opportunities for you to also get creative. Knowing your “no” means letting go of all of the “what-ifs” and “shoulds” that makes decision-making hazy. That’s when we feel stuck and helpless. Getting in touch with where you stand means feeling grounded and centered in your truth.
I invite you to explore how you know your “no.” Is it a thought? A memory or image? A sensation? An emotion? What needs might you be meeting by honoring your “no”? Spend some time with your “no” and get curious about it. What can you learn from your “no” right now?
Reflections on Reaching Out
by Ashley Gregory, LMFT
How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m so bad at reaching out!” Or maybe you have heard yourself say something like, “I just have such a hard time picking up the phone!” In my experience, the next phrase is something like, “It’s not personal, I do it with everyone.” For so many of us, reaching out is really hard. We can be deeply hurt when we reach out, only to feel rejected. Our feelings towards reaching out may even be confusing.
On A Personal Note
Earlier last year I had a profound reminder about the importance of reaching out. Someone really close to me who lives in another part of California had to go into the hospital for a procedure. The purpose of the hospital visit was to determine if more intrusive measures were needed--a potentially life threatening experience. It just so happened that several family members lived near the hospital. The thing was, I had not seen them in years. Of course, there are many painful reasons why I had not been to visit my family in a long time. Would it be a mistake to reach out? Given our experiences in the past, would it be easier to just keep our distance? I checked in with my loved one. Was it okay for me to reach out and let my nearby family know about the situation? I wanted to respect the patient's wishes. We talked through the possible outcomes and concerns. Ultimately, we agreed that I would let our family in the area know. Then the unexpected happened: they went above and beyond to support the whole scary process from beginning to end. Our family offered rides when we needed them, food to keep us going and visits and calls to remind us that they care. Turns out, we even have a nurse in the family who could advocate for accommodations and offer information throughout the whole frightening process. And the results were very heartening--no need for surgery after all. What a relief! Now that we are on the other side of the unknown, we cannot imagine how we could have gotten through it without the support we received.
From the Very Beginning
To learn more about “reaching out” we can look to attachment and development. The act of reaching is a part of our initial movements as infants, in addition to yielding, pushing, holding and pulling. Ruella Frank, Ph. D. shares in his book Somatic Awareness:
Infants rely on a developing language of body that enables them to reach out and experience the other, and in so doing, to experience themselves. Every infant’s reaching pattern evolves as a pathway toward solving developmental problems or tasks. In the process of discovering the solution, a reach is made (109).
In essence, our very early experiences shape us--our reflexive movements and core beliefs. The ways in which our caregivers responded to our needs, at a time when getting our needs met were most dependent on others, gives form to our shape. We learn about who we are and what we can expect in the world through our relationships with others. We create adaptations to get through disappointments and abandonment.
From infancy to old age, we all have needs. Part of what makes each of us unique is how we go about meeting our needs. Deirdre Fay, in her book Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation, states that “Reaching is about exploring, moving toward, asking, wanting, needing (284).” Just as a child needs a sense of security to feel safe to explore their surroundings away from their caregiver, each of us wants to know that everything will be “okay” when we take the risk of reaching out.
Somatic psychotherapy acknowledges the body-mind connection between the physical and psychological parallel of “reaching out.” You may try the experiment offered below to explore your relationship to reaching out.
An Experiment in Reaching Out
Briefly bring to mind whatever it is you want to explore your reaching relationship to--a person or a goal, perhaps. Next find a comfortable seat with your feet on the floor, toes facing forward. Allow your back to rest in a supported position. Rest your gaze forward or close your eyes gently. Bring your attention to the top of your spine, the space between your shoulders, mid-back, lower back and tailbone. With a continued awareness on your back, recall your exploration topic and imagine it in a space a short distance from you, out of reach. Slowly, mindfully, notice what happens when you begin to think about moving an arm towards that space. Notice thoughts, sensations (weight, movement, tension, temperature) and feelings. If it feels right, begin the arm movement towards the space you are focusing on. Take time to allow your awareness to deepen, noticing what arises in your experience. When you sense the action is complete, mindfully drop the arm. Pause for a moment to reflect on your experience.
As a reminder, mindful experiments create opportunities for clarity; opening to more choice and compassion for ourselves and others. Using mindfulness in therapy can provide insight and clarity around important topics where you may feel stuck.