Three Keys to Self-Love

by Melody Wright, LMFT

In today's world, loving yourself is easier said than done. We are constantly bombarded with cultural messages that tell us we aren't "enough" in one way or another: thin enough, pretty enough, happy enough, successful enough. 

At the same time, the media encourages us to buy into a commercialized version of self-love that requires us to purchase yoga equipment, expensive supplements, and beauty products as an expression of our commitment to ourselves.

When we view self-love as a destination, rather than an ever-evolving journey, the task of learning to love ourselves can feel overwhelming. Realistically, self-love is better thought of as self-compassion. 

When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we recognize that, as humans, we are inherently flawed -- yet our flaws do not make us any less worthy of empathy or respect. We recognize that we will always have moments where self-love doesn't feel authentic, but that these moments do not define our value.

Even as you are unlearning harmful beliefs or silencing your inner critic, you can still show yourself love and treat yourself with the kindness you deserve. Over time, these three key behaviors can help you strengthen your commitment to loving yourself.

1. Honor Your Needs

Growing up, your parents may have stressed to you the importance of distinguishing "needs" vs. "wants." This principle goes for money, but also for behaviors. Some actions -- such as substance abuse, driving too fast, or texting an ex-lover -- may feel good to us in the moment, yet we know that, in the long-run, they may have harmful or even dangerous consequences on our physical, mental, and/or emotional health.

Self-respect goes hand-in-hand with self-love. When we respect ourselves, we know and honor our needs. This includes our basic needs, such as eating right and getting enough sleep, but also our emotional needs, such as setting boundaries and avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Focusing on what we need over what we want helps us turn away from harmful patterns, like skipping meals or practicing unsafe behaviors -- even when they are temporarily gratifying.

2. Keep Good Company

The people we surround ourselves with are a reflection of our opinion of ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, we may allow people into our lives who take too much and offer little in return. "Frenemies" or toxic individuals often take advantage of people with weak boundaries. That doesn't mean that it's your fault for permitting this behavior to happen. However, it's important to recognize that you always have a choice about what kinds of behavior you will accept from others moving forward.

Loving yourself means defining the types of behavior you are and are not willing to tolerate from the company you keep, and enforcing consequences when your boundaries are violated. Sometimes, when boundaries are repeatedly violated by the same person, the most appropriate consequence may be to limit the amount of time we spend with that person, or to cut them out of our lives altogether. When we love ourselves, we view the decision to let go of a toxic relationship as a natural progression of their behavior, rather than the product of selfishness.

3. Accept All Emotions

Many of us fall into the trap of labeling our emotions as "good" or "bad." As a result, we may try to hide from our so-called "negative" emotions via compartmentalization, suppression, or avoidance. These labels are often learned from our culture, the media, or others around us. However, we can also make a conscious decision to unlearn these designations and find acceptance in all of our physical and mental sensations. When we love ourselves, we do not judge ourselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions. 

Loving ourselves means accepting all of our emotions as a natural part of the human experience. Even the most cheerful people we know must experience sadness, anger, guilt, or grief in order to understand what true happiness feels like. Rather than labeling emotions as "good" or "bad," we can choose to honor all of our emotions by being present with our thoughts and bodily sensations. We can then use this mindfulness to make an informed decision about how we want to react to those emotions, rather than giving into an automatic urge that could result in self-sabotage, or mental or physical harm.

While simply stated, we understand the tools mentioned above can take time, lots of practice, and a willingness to move beyond what has been familiar and comfortable to you.  At Life by Design Therapy, we work with adults, couples, teens and families to support the inner work necessary to have more self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love.

Diamond in the Rough: How to Reveal the Hidden Gems in Saying “No”

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

  Saying “No” Can Be Illuminating

 A few years ago, a friend of my partner and I asked about staying at our place during a road trip up the California Coast. She and a friend of hers were going to be passing by the Bay Area on a weeknight. While we were thrilled to hear from her, my partner and I both had to work that week and had no chance to take time off. We considered our needs and her request carefully. We absolutely wanted to reminisce about our college days and laugh until our faces hurt. We also knew that having our friend and her companion stay over would lead to staying up too late and feeling drained the next day. Ultimately, after a thoughtful assessment of what we had going on in our life, we decided we weren’t going to be able to host a sleepover. 

 We relayed this boundary to our friend, letting her know we would love to have her over on a weekend. Our friend took this boundary personally, suggesting that we had made this decision for other reasons. Sadly, she also declined to talk things through with my partner, who had been friends with her for much longer. We felt surprised and disheartened by her response. We wanted to authentically offer our space, time and attention when we were able to give it freely rather than allow resentment and dishonesty to damage our relationship by saying “yes.”  While it was an uncomfortable experience, we also came to grips with the lack of trust in the friendship. 

 Ideally, we would have liked to connect empathetically with our friend, listening to how she experienced the boundary we set as well as being offered the opportunity to share where we were coming from at the time. This experience exposed the relationship cracks and fissures that were already there. While we’re still open to mending the rift between us, we also accept that we may never get that chance.
 

Heteropatriarchy and the “Caregiver” Role

 So much of the time, many of us believe we have to offer care or resources to someone who is asking, sometimes simply because they are asking. We feel pressured to acquiesce to requests even though there is a very vocal part of us who knows we don’t have the energy or capacity. In particular, people socialized as women or feminine have been told that their success in caregiving roles equates to their worth as a person. When the expectations of this role conflicts with one’s personal needs, the resulting shame and guilt can be debilitating. This identity as “caregiver” comes with unspoken expectations and extends into all areas of life--work, friendships, family dynamics. These expectations may look like:

•  doing tasks outside of your job description that others are fully capable of doing themselves, 

• being available by phone all of the time, 

• assumption that you are always emotionally available, or

• coordinating all of the family gathering
  

Heteropatriarchy rests on the gender binary system--an insistence that there are only two options for humans: man and woman. Furthermore, “man” must assert his power over “woman” in all arenas of society (family, work, government, etc.), lest a complete breakdown of the world as we know it occurs. Powerful men can’t be caring or show emotion because that would be weak. Heteropatriarchal gender norms dictate that being a “good woman” means self-sacrifice and being a “good man” means dehumanization. This setup is just that: a setup for human beings to feel unhappy, unfulfilled and isolated. Being honest with yourself about what you want and how you feel honors your true self and is a courageous holistic practice. 

Saying “No” Can Be a Gift 

Saying “no” can be an opportunity for your coworker, friend or loved one to seek out more support in places they didn’t previously know existed. They may learn a new skill they didn’t know before because you (or someone else) had been doing it for them. 

Saying “no” can free up opportunities for you to also get creative. Knowing your “no” means letting go of all of the “what-ifs” and “shoulds” that makes decision-making hazy. That’s when we feel stuck and helpless. Getting in touch with where you stand means feeling grounded and centered in your truth.

I invite you to explore how you know your “no.” Is it a thought? A memory or image? A sensation? An emotion? What needs might you be meeting by honoring your “no”? Spend some time with your “no” and get curious about it. What can you learn from your “no” right now?

3 Tips for Expressing Your Emotions Effectively

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively. 

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability.

Empaths, Here's How To Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you take on the emotions of others? When we have poor emotional boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling angry when others are angry or sad when others are sad. Or, alternatively, we may find that we are unable to feel happy when people we care about are not.

Absorbing the emotions of others can be both a strength and a weakness. It can be a sign that you are an empath, gifted with the extraordinary ability to empathize with nearly anyone -- but it can also become exhausting and frustrating to constantly feel what others are feeling.

Learning to empathize with others is a skill -- as is learning how to set emotional boundaries so that you are not constantly drained by taking on the emotions of others. Like any skill, setting emotional boundaries can be strengthened with practice. Here's how.

How To Spot An Empath

Sometimes, we may be aware that we are taking on the emotions of others. Other times, however, we might be having an intense or distressing emotional experience but be unaware of why we are feeling that way. 

So, how do you know that you are an empath, or a person with a natural tendency to empathize with others (and take on others' emotions)? Everybody is, of course, different, but here are some characteristics shared by many, if not all, empaths:

• Closeness and intimacy can become overwhelming.

• You need rest after spending lots of time with others.

• You have a strong sense of intuition.

• You strongly dislike crowded places.

• You are easily overstimulated in public.

• You feel emotionally involved in other people's problems.

• You have a hard time emotionally detaching yourself.

• You are extremely sensitive to sounds, smells, or sensations.

These traits may be signs that you are an empath, or simply that you have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions. Many of these characteristics involve overwhelm because taking on others' emotions, in addition to our own, can get to be too much. 

In fact, that may be one of the primary reasons why you are seeking advice on no longer taking on others' emotions: whether you realize it or not, you might be feeling overwhelmed and looking for relief from those emotions.

Stop Taking On Others' Emotions

Empaths frequently take on the emotions of others. To them, this is second nature, but can result in overwhelm and fatigue. If you do not know that you are taking on other people's emotions, you may not even realize this is why you are feeling that way. That's why the first step toward no longer taking on other people's emotions is to recognize the signs of being an empath.

As we mentioned previously, being an empath can be a powerful strength -- but it can also be incredibly overwhelming and draining. Setting emotional boundaries can help you to stop taking on other people's emotions to such an extent that it becomes exhausting and interferes with your sense of well-being.

Boundaries are firm lines that we draw to prevent others from making us feel emotionally drained or uncomfortable. For an empath, setting boundaries may not be second-nature and may even feel weird or wrong. After all, empaths want to be there for others in whatever way that they can. However, if you do not set emotional boundaries, you will become so drained that you are no longer able to support others the way that you instinctively want to.

The first step toward setting boundaries is to clearly define what your boundaries are. It can be difficult to do this as an empath because you may feel guilty for setting boundaries. Even so, it's important that you don't let guilt get in the way of doing what you need to do to feel your best. While this is easier said than done, you need to be honest with yourself about what boundaries would help you avoid letting others take advantage of your caring nature.

The second step is to clearly communicate your boundaries with others. Once you have identified what will help you detach from the emotions of others -- such as limiting the amount of time you spend listening to other people's problems (i.e. no longer spending hours on the phone with close friends whenever they need you) or saying "no" to helping out so that you do not overextend yourself -- make sure to sit down and have a conversation with whomever your boundary applies to.

When communicating your boundaries, ensure you have the conversation when you and your conversational partner are both calm, not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Then, firmly but politely state what your boundaries are. While you are not obligated to give a reason for your boundaries, if you feel comfortable doing so, it might help back up your statement, especially if you are talking to someone whom you trust not to react to it poorly.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by being an empath, therapeutic techniques such as grounding and mindfulness can also help you learn to create a healthy distance between your emotions and the emotions of others. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn more about how we can help you set stronger emotional boundaries.

Reflections on Reaching Out

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

View fullsize

How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m so bad at reaching out!” Or maybe you have heard yourself say something like, “I just have such a hard time picking up the phone!” In my experience, the next phrase is something like, “It’s not personal, I do it with everyone.” For so many of us, reaching out is really hard. We can be deeply hurt when we reach out, only to feel rejected. Our feelings towards reaching out may even be confusing. 

On A Personal Note

Earlier last year I had a profound reminder about the importance of reaching out. Someone really close to me who lives in another part of California had to go into the hospital for a procedure. The purpose of the hospital visit was to determine if more intrusive measures were needed--a potentially life threatening experience. It just so happened that several family members lived near the hospital. The thing was, I had not seen them in years. Of course, there are many painful reasons why I had not been to visit my family in a long time. Would it be a mistake to reach out? Given our experiences in the past, would it be easier to just keep our distance? I checked in with my loved one. Was it okay for me to reach out and let my nearby family know about the situation? I wanted to respect the patient's wishes. We talked through the possible outcomes and concerns. Ultimately, we agreed that I would let our family in the area know. Then the unexpected happened: they went above and beyond to support the whole scary process from beginning to end. Our family offered rides when we needed them, food to keep us going and visits and calls to remind us that they care. Turns out, we even have a nurse in the family who could advocate for accommodations and offer information throughout the whole frightening process. And the results were very heartening--no need for surgery after all. What a relief! Now that we are on the other side of the unknown, we cannot imagine how we could have gotten through it without the support we received. 

From the Very Beginning

To learn more about “reaching out” we can look to attachment and development. The act of reaching is a part of our initial movements as infants, in addition to yielding, pushing, holding and pulling. Ruella Frank, Ph. D. shares in his book Somatic Awareness:

Infants rely on a developing language of body that enables them to reach out and experience the other, and in so doing, to experience themselves. Every infant’s reaching pattern evolves as a pathway toward solving developmental problems or tasks. In the process of discovering the solution, a reach is made (109). 

In essence, our very early experiences shape us--our reflexive movements and core beliefs. The ways in which our caregivers responded to our needs, at a time when getting our needs met were most dependent on others, gives form to our shape. We learn about who we are and what we can expect in the world through our relationships with others. We create adaptations to get through disappointments and abandonment. 

From infancy to old age, we all have needs. Part of what makes each of us unique is how we go about meeting our needs. Deirdre Fay, in her book Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation, states that “Reaching is about exploring, moving toward, asking, wanting, needing (284).” Just as a child needs a sense of security to feel safe to explore their surroundings away from their caregiver, each of us wants to know that everything will be “okay” when we take the risk of reaching out. 

Somatic psychotherapy acknowledges the body-mind connection between the physical and psychological parallel of “reaching out.” You may try the experiment offered below to explore your relationship to reaching out. 

An Experiment in Reaching Out

Briefly bring to mind whatever it is you want to explore your reaching relationship to--a person or a goal, perhaps. Next find a comfortable seat with your feet on the floor, toes facing forward. Allow your back to rest in a supported position. Rest your gaze forward or close your eyes gently. Bring your attention to the top of your spine, the space between your shoulders, mid-back, lower back and tailbone. With a continued awareness on your back, recall your exploration topic and imagine it in a space a short distance from you, out of reach. Slowly, mindfully, notice what happens when you begin to think about moving an arm towards that space. Notice thoughts, sensations (weight, movement, tension, temperature) and feelings. If it feels right, begin the arm movement towards the space you are focusing on. Take time to allow your awareness to deepen, noticing what arises in your experience. When you sense the action is complete, mindfully drop the arm. Pause for a moment to reflect on your experience. 

As a reminder, mindful experiments create opportunities for clarity; opening to more choice and compassion for ourselves and others.  Using mindfulness in therapy can provide insight and clarity around important topics where you may feel stuck.

How Guilt May Be a Guide

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

This blog is meant to invite inquiry and foster self-compassion. Most likely, we all have little “g” guilt and big “G” guilt present with us throughout life. Everyone’s relationship with guilt will be different and complex, each asking for unique attention and care. Building a relationship with a psychotherapist can support you in creating and implementing individualized practices to work with guilt. 

What is it about the beginning of the Gregorian calendar that ignites talk of “resolutions,” seemingly en masse? As we head into month three of 2020, I’m thinking on the role of guilt in how we feel about meeting our past, present and future. The beginning of the year is, for many, a time to reflect on the past year in an effort to change some of the things that supposedly made the year before less exciting, fulfilling or successful. This is where guilt comes in.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “guilt,” or gylt in Old English, means a “crime, sin, moral defect, failure of duty.” Whoa. Is it a “crime, sin, moral defect” or “failure of duty” to spend more time with my friends instead of organizing my hall closet? Maybe right now, I value connection more than order. 

Guilt, like any other emotion, may act as a guide, illuminating our needs and values.

Rather than leading us into immobilizing narratives, bringing curiosity to our guilty parts can act as a trailhead to practicing self-empathy and unearthing our desired actions. 

Awareness. Rather than push those feelings aside, perhaps notice how and where you sense them. Take a moment to recall the last time you felt “guilty.” How do you know you are feeling “guilty”? Is it a pit in your stomach sensation? Or nausea? Maybe a pulling down or weightedness? What happens when you focus your attention on these sensations? 

Stories. You may also notice the thoughts which arise when you feel guilty. What are the stories being told about you in your mind? Where do those voices come from and how familiar are they? Maybe you will find it helpful to take note of the messages arising around your feelings of guilt. From there, if the messages are played out, you may get more information about what it is you are actually hoping for. 

Needs and Values. You may take this opportunity to get to know that part of you. As you make contact with that part of you, ask about needs. What is that part needing? Might you need connection with others? Or clarity? Space or choice? How might that guilty feeling guide you? What does this feeling say about your values? 

External Events. What are the external events shaping your choices, thoughts or actions? How might you invite more consideration and compassion towards yourself?

Endeavors. Notice how your feelings and stories shifted. Be as present as you can as you have connected with what is important to you and why you may not have been able to align your actions with your values in a particular moment. What do these changes mean for how you want to move forward? What choices are you now presented with?

For example:

“I feel guilty that I didn’t leave enough money for a tip at the restaurant...obviously, I am not a generous person.”

Ok, let’s pause for a moment here and slow things down. 

Awareness: “I notice an uneasy, sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m feeling guilty because that waiter works really hard and does not get paid enough.” 

Stories: “The story I am telling myself is that I am a heartless person who doesn’t care about others. Oh my gosh, that sounds familiar. I was really hurt back then. That’s a tender place that I want to give attention to.” 

Needs and Values/External Events: “Well, I am needing understanding. I was rushing because I lost track of time working on that group project due today. I really value contribution and want to make sure I did a thorough job. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to give more of a tip, too. Because understanding the values of hard work and contributing to another’s well-being is important to me.” 

Endeavors: “I feel more at ease. I am more connected to how I want to offer what I can, when I can. I want others to know I value their work. I feel freed up to make choices around my values.” 

Back to the Little and Big “G” guilts. Perhaps one leads to another in an unfolding, interconnected way. Being with guilt can be a journey, opening us up to options we may not have become aware of had we been preoccupied with the “shoulds” and the stories. And yes, through this process we may also open ourselves up to more vulnerable or painful memories, the Big “G” kind. This is where support comes in.

As we continue to deepen our curiosity around guilt, here are a couple more questions to consider how it may show up in relationships:

1. Are you afraid of bringing up feelings in another person by sharing your needs and values? If so, which feelings? Why are these feelings scary?

2. How much control do you have over the situation? 

Through this process, we have welcomed guilt in and learned from it’s wisdom. New possibilities become available once we tap in and listen. I mean, hey, maybe I can reach out to some friends who want to help me re-organize my hall closet!